A Wedding, an Evening in the ER and an Awesome Friend.

My cousins wedding has officially come and gone. The day was hectic but beautiful. I felt like it rushed by but my cousin looked absolutely radiant in her wedding dress. We had so much fun and I can't say I managed not to cry, because I totally did, multiple times. I don't think I've ever seen her so incredibly happy and that made me happy.

Following that wonderful day I had a recurring pain in my calves. So bad actually that I didn't even want to stand. The wedding was on a Saturday. Sunday I spent mostly couch bound and Monday was mainly a bed lounging day. On Tuesday I went back to work and back to the squat challenge which I had situated in such a way as to give me a few days leeway to enjoy the wedding and get rest following it. The squats didn't really make my calves hurt worst though it didn't make them feel any better.  On the 19th I noticed that besides the prominent pain, my left leg was swollen. I went to an treat and release because I unfortunately don't have health insurance. $150 later I was told that I had strained my leg and to just rest it, ice it and take some Motrin or Advil. No tests were done. No blood was taken. Cut to yesterday the 24th with my leg still significantly swollen, but not hurting as much, I went back to the treat and release with a request for a follow up. The PA I saw showed concern and wanted me to get a sonogram on my leg. It being 5pm all the techs they had working were already sent home. Wanting very much for me to be seen that night for fear of a blood clot I was sent to a hospital near my house that apparently does well with payment plans. After getting turned round and lost in the hospital with my mom for a good half hour we finally found someone to point us in the right direction. We were sent to the ER entrance of the hospital and I was admitted. 6 or so hours, a nice amount of blood vials and a sonogram later my mom and I left the hospital at 1am.

Thankfully I was told I didn't have a blood clot, however it was discovered that I have a baker's cyst. A baker's cyst is a small accumulation of fluid from your knee joint that forms behind your knee and can cause pain and swelling. Unfortunately there isn't much to do for it. Its a wait and watching game to see if it goes away on its own. If it doesn't then they would have to aspirate it.

So to my dismay I had to bow out of the squat challenge that my beach body coach friend is hosting. I dont want to make it any worse but I am really disappointed that I cant finish alongside everyone else.

However to my surprise her Husband shows up on my doorstop with a gift for me from them and their family. A get well fruit basket.

Isn't it cute? It came with a note that said:

"Feel Better Soon!!! Hope this puts a smile on your face. Nothing like chocolate to make you feel better. Enjoy!
Till next challenge group!"

It was absolutely delicious and I was so happy to receive it and devour it. As was my family. I am frequently surprised by my friends and how sweet they are. It's really nice to have people who care about you enough to make you smile when you are feeling down. It is often hard to keep friends close but you must remember that every good relationship needs work and that life will make things hard but as long as you do your best to let your friends know that you care in the little ways they will stay your friends for many years. I sadly do not have many friends but the ones I do have I hold dear and do my darndest to try and keep in touch with. Till next time readers!

"Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life and said 'I'm here for you' and proved it. ~ Unknown

"There are some people in life that make you laugh a little louder, smile a little bit bigger and live just a little bit better." ~ Unknown

"Notice the people who are happy for your happiness, and sad for your sadness. They're the ones who deserve special places in your hearts." ~ Unknown

Squat challenge day 10 and a happily ever after

It is day 10 of the squat circuit challenge and so far so good. My friend who is a beach body coach started a group to help us all through it. It is always nice to have a group of like minded people going through the same challenges as you who you can talk to, lean on or just complain along side. My legs burn quite often but it is not as hard to complete as I may have feared it would be when I started. Here is too a full completion of 200 squats by dec 2...may my legs be in my favor.

In other news, this Saturday is my younger cousins wedding. It has been a long year of build up to this point. This is a cousin who is like my sister. She is only about two and a half years younger then me and basically has everything i've ever wanted at her age. She is a teacher, so career check, has a soon to be Husband as of saturday night and even has a condo they just purchased together. I'm jealous. I'll admit that much, and I did have a moment where I felt that it should be me rather then her getting married. Although in all honesty though I did shed tears for the life she's gaining that I wish had been my own I could not be happier that she is getting it. I love her so impossibly that I have also shed tears thinking about losing her. Not to say that she is moving away or that marriage will cause me to see her any less. I've simply cried because after Saturday, everything will be changed. It has been changing for some time now. We've grown and gotten lives of our own. Gone are the summers we used to spend together. Gone are the weekends spent just the four of us, her sister, my sister and the two of us, singing and dancing and just being lost in our own little world. But now, now she won't be just her, she'll be them. Her husband to be, who I have come to view as family, will finally be family. I don't have much issue with him or them getting wed. In fact I've been rooting for them for a while now. Being young and in love has not been an easy road for them and I will be so very happy to see them finally say I do, for life, in front of family and friends. But there is something, quite small but present, that sits in the background in a fetal position. It knows that change is coming and it cries for the past. It cries for four kids who acted out Thumbelina and the swan princess. A group of girls who wanted to merge their family names and all live in a mansion together with our husbands and children. Because with growing up comes heart ache and issues. Money and other peoples opinions on how you should be living your life cause fights you never even saw coming. The older you get the harder life becomes.

Don't get me wrong there are many joys in growing up but there are also many burdens to offset them. And that causes me to worry. Because she's the first from our group to take this leap, wise beyond her years, and I wish her all the happiness in the world and none of the hardships. Saturday evening I will gain another family member and I will say good bye to my cousin as I knew her. That is such a scary and sad concept. Although out of everyone I think she is the best equipped. I've seen her grow so much from that little girl who would cry every time she couldn't please everyone. If any one deserves happiness it's her. Her heart is so open and so warm. And her fiancé loves her so much. I'm excited for this weekend. For the step she will take towards her happily ever after, for the party, for the food. But mostly I'm just excited to see her look and him, and him look at her and watch the love collide as they mark their future into the sky. 

So I dropped the ball again...

I do this often. I get geared up to do something and keep up with it and months pass by with no updates. Sorry guys. So first I told you last time I scored a job, it is as an executive administrative assistant. Fancy wording but it basically just means people tell me what to do and I do it. Everything from filling cabinets, moving boxes, putting things together, rewording blurbs for the website or emails, making excel sheets, filling out information in medical programs and filing. There is an infinite amount of filing. It's a pretty nice place with good people and it pays well which is a very important part for me. 

Anyway the second thing I had said I would show you is pictures lots of pictures. So I deleted a lot of pics off my phone but here is what I still have from Mudderella: 

And Rugged Maniac: 

I also ended up doing a run in September called the Ridiculous Obstacle Challenge with most of my bocce group and some of their friends: 

That run consisted of a ton of obstacles made out of the same material as bouncy houses and it was so much fun. 

Now I also promised you cakes. So my two smash cakes: 

  

The christening cake: 

I made the sun flowers and cross as well as the cake. 

And last but not least my cousins baptism chocolates and cupcakes:

So quite a bit has been going on it my life. My younger cousin is getting married next Saturday and I am in the bridal party. Most of my free time has been involved in doing things for that. So there is my excuse for not keeping up with this although I'm not even sure that anyone reads it. But regardless, after the wedding I will have much more time to keep up. I'm going to try really hard to remember to write at least once a week.

In terms of the Bocce team, I'm still a part and it's really fun. We are on our third season and actually we've made it into the city championships so that's really awesome. 

And working out? Well I've been sorta slacking but I have started the 30 day squat challenge and plan on seeing it through. My friend who is a beach body coach is even running a group to help everyone complete it which is just what I need. Someone to hold me accountable. So if you would like to join in you will be two days behind us but here's the bracket: 

Well until next time I'll leave you with this: 

 

     

A Fit Life Light Burns Bright

I had a great Mud run and I managed to snag a job and I will tell you all about that in good time but right now I want to write about something really important to me.

I don't often think of myself as pretty. I think I've always had a pretty low level of self esteem and self worth. Actually I can honestly say that I know I always have. It's often hard for me to look at myself next to someone else and not make comparisons. I have an issue with my nose, the dark family granted dark circles around my eyes, my smile, my wish they were bigger itty bitty boobs, the thickness of my middle, the shape of my stomach, the broadness of my back, the girth of my arms and the cushion on my bottom. I used to be really heavy. And I also got made fun of a ton in school growing up. At my thinest I was 21, skateboarding and basically eating only one meal. Even then I wasn't happy with myself. I don't know if I ever will feel 100% about my image. I can't say that anything in my life will change me for the better mentally, but looking at candid pictures of myself from Rugged Manic it hit me.

I have a wide frame. Even if I lost all the weight in the world I don't know if that would go away, and even if it did I don't know that I'd be happy with it. I know I can't always be a clean eater, and the diet I was on basically went out the window when summer came in. I'll never be the one at the gym everyday and I don't know if I will ever get the hang of breathing when I work out.

However I know one thing, in my life currently, one of the greatest things is working out. When I'm at CKO and I can block all the other girls out around me, focus on my bag and commit to the workout it's one of the best feelings. Every time I haven't been in a while and I return I get this surge of emotion within me. Its part realization of how much I love working out with a bag and part regret for not going more often. And it has opened my eyes to the possibility of  being content with myself. I am 141 lbs and honestly I'm really kind of happy about that. The instructors are constantly evolving or changing and it keeps you on your toes. I also love the extra 30 min sessions Ben and Megan give. CKO gave me something to harness my emotions when I needed it most. I don't know if I could ever express quite what the meant for me. It gave me a way to survive when I felt I had none and it made me realize the potential I always had buried inside me. It also brought into my life people that I never before would have had the courage or desire to interact with.

Now I have this great group of people, Camp Core, who support me and believe in me.

When I first took a class with Vinny I was nervous. Here was this hunk of guy who I was going to work out in front of. Me, who doesn't even really like her boyfriend to see her during a work out. I was dismayed. I took the class and it was great but I was still nervous. Then one day I happened to be in front of CKO waiting for it to open and there he was again. The shine and fear was off, he was just a guy with a smile who struck a conversation with me. I found myself wanting to take his class. And when I showed he remembered my face and my name. He called me out in class and it drove me forward. I started to want to take his class. I looked forward to the three slap end of class bag tradition. Looked forward to his positive energy, his music, his jokes. I was no longer worried about working out in front of him. I realized he was this awesome spiritual person, who was also crazy talented, but he was just as invested in teaching the class as we were in taking it.

When I first took a class with Sasha I wasn't sure what to think. After being in a male dominated CKO instructor experience I was thrown by the way she ran her class. Her voice wasn't any softer, her energy wasn't any lower, her workouts weren't any less, in fact they were more. More concentrated, more intense in ways, more interesting. I think honestly I was on the fence about her as an instructor because she was a woman. Men tend to be more forgiving and I think I was mostly afraid of being judged. Here was this petite, well sculpted woman and here I was all pudge and gasps for breath. However instead of running off and hiding I stuck it out. I took more classes with her, although not as many as I wish I had. I learned some wonderful and interesting methods of working out. And I got to meet a wonderful person. She is intense but in a totally good way. And she pushes you forward without making you doubt your ability or yourself.

When I first took a class next to Dana I was intimidated. Here was this amazing looking girl working out next to me making me look ever the novice. She was thin and fit and never seemed to look bad even after an hour class of taking it to the bag with more power and energy then I could even muster. I wanted a body like hers and wondered if she had always been so perfect. As I took more classes beside her I found her energy a boost to my own and her drive helped me in class when I felt I had none left. Then I got to know her a bit more and got to see how great of a person she is. I realized that she loved fatty foods and had her own self image issues, even though I always think she looks pretty amazing. But genuinely I realized that she is a sweet person and honestly believes in you and that is such an amazing feeling. To know that someone, more then one someone has that belief. That you can be anything you set your mind to. In this day when most people are nothing but negative here are these three wonderful people trying to be every kind of positive.

I love that about Core. Even though I can't get to it as often as I like, it's refreshing to knowing that when I do go they will be there to greet me openly without judgement.

Even the people I take Core with, wether I have met them before or not, are cool people who are there for the same reason as I am. They strike up conversations easily and the general tone is laid back.

And if it wasn't for those three, even though I definitely could not keep up with them, I would have never had as amazing as a time as I had at Rugged Maniac. I felt like I was part of something, like I belong and it was really nice.

I may never be 100% happy with my image. I may never be as thin as I have always desired. I may always find a way to put myself down or find myself lacking but I know this: I have never been able to say that I was a person who loved working out...But all that has changed.


Your MIND may quote the negative
Your BODY may feel weak
But there is nothing as powerful as your SPIRIT
to help you to compete

The Way of the World

So tomorrow is the day. I'm participating in Rugged Maniac as part of Team Core. I couldn't be happier! We even have team tank tops for girls and sleeveless shirts for the guys. We are going to look impressive.

My mom decided she wanted to be a spectator so she is coming along. I have mixed feelings about it. First I'm happy and excited my mom wants to come see me accomplish this. It kind of makes me feel like a kid, wanting to show my mom what I can do, have her be proud of me. On the other hand I'm worried because that means she'll be alone majority of the day and I'll feel guilty. Then of course I'm worried how I may look to the team members bringing along my mom. Will they think less of me? Find me immature? But then, I love my mom, even if we have our issues I like sharing parts of my life and experiences with her. However I also don't want her to feel as though she's a third wheel...So yeah. Many mixed feelings on the subject.

I'm excited for the run but I'm also really nervous. I was nervous at Mudderella as well but at least with that I ended up starting by myself so I didn't really have to keep up with anyone. I worry that the group might be too big for me to click with anyone in particular but then I also worry I may not be quite as in shape as everyone else to truly live up to the challenge of being in the pack rather then behind it. Either way, I guess we shall see.

As excited as I am to be participating in this run I'm also rather bummed about it. Right this very second, as I type these words, my boyfriend and a large group of our friends are out on a weekend camping trip. A camping trip I would be at as well if it weren't for the $86 ticket I purchased and the absolutely no refund policy of Rugged Maniac. Originally the boyfriend and I were invited to the trip but he wasn't going to be able to get off of work so I decided not to go either. Sleeping alone, in a dark tent, in the forest with all the sounds of the night and all the creepy crawlies is not something I'm confident enough to do. However his work position and schedule changed recently and he was able to go. Sadly. Obviously. I was not. So now they are all out there, drinking, laughing and enjoying one another's company and I sit here in my room. Sad and alone. 

Although I'm very happy the boyfriend got to go, I miss him. I also miss the opportunity to spend time with him and our friends. Hopefully he will have an excellent time. He really and truly deserves it. On the bright side he's on vacation all next week and I already set my time aside to spend it with him. We are supposed to head up to his parents house in jersey and enjoy the sun and the sand. Beaches, booze and snuggles. What could be better?  

On Sunday I have a fun brunch planned with my best friend of 14+ years and a newer close friend who I have known for just as long. We went to elementary school together but lost touch for a while. Now we are closer then we have ever been. So the three of us are set to enjoy some eggs, some mimosas and some time reminiscing. I made the reservation and we are all set to meet at a place that (fingers crossed) still has an unlimited drink menu.

So hopefully I will be far to busy in the next two days to have any time to be disappointed about my inability to go camping. Even if that does mean I'm missing out on all the sangria and s'mores.

Yet Again The Usual Happened

So as it always tends to happen, I have neglected writing a blog. It isn't as though it totally slipped my mind, or as though I've been ever so busy as to not be able to see it through. I just, like I often do, lacked the motivation to see it through. So what have I been up to? Quite a lot actually. But lets start where we left off.

I did indeed begin that diet and as difficult as it began, I was holding steady. I went from 145 to 141 so that's nice but I've pretty much been stationed there. Summer began and so did barbecue season. It happens to be one of my favorite times of the year and well, I fell off the wagon. Hard. I haven't been keeping quite to the guidelines of the diet but I have cut down on my portions as well as my intake of sweets. I try to have 5 meals a day. I drink protein shakes. Work out as often as my will allows and I try to stick to mostly whole grains not white flours. So hopefully I'll see more loss even if it's not quite what I had desired.

My birthday passed and I hit the 28 mark. The two years to thirty countdown begins.

On May 10th I participated and completed my first ever Mud run. It was exhilarating! I had initially wanted to create a team, however having no one who desired to join or who could join, I had to abandon that idea. A girl I went to High School with said that I would be able to join her team so I did just that. Day of the Run my boyfriend (thankfully and happily) was able to drive me down and cheer me on. I definitely needed the support. I was so nervous when the day came. I was worried that I may have gotten in over my head. I had never done anything of that nature before. When we got there I realized I didn't know any numbers from the people on the team that I joined. Reluctantly but determined I decided I was just going to have to do it on my own.

It was challenging. It was scary. It was life affirming. Everyone helped one another out and early on I joined up with a two girl team who I didn't expect to adopt me into their team but did. We ended up going through all of the course together but not finishing together. The last obstacle, labeled The Hat Trick, which is a trampoline you jump on that launches you at a net which you climb to an unnerving height had a line wait of an hour and a half. My makeshift team mates had no desire to wait. I did. Having come this far I could not leave without honestly and truly finishing. When you reach the top of this behemoth you sit at the edge of a giant slide that makes you feel as though you will accelerate at such a speed that you will fly like a bird, kiss the sky and then slam into the ground. I took a few breaths and steeled myself for one of the scariest things i've done in life. I figured if I could skydive I could do this as well. I crossed my arms over my chest and scooted forward plunging myself into 5 feet of water. I surfaced with a gasp, feeling as though I were drowning. My heart was beating with such passion I felt tears swell in my eyes. I had to take a few breaths as to not totally lose it. I was scared, I was thrilled. I felt accomplished more so then I have in all my life. I felt proud. I felt happy. I jogged the rest of the course, slipping and falling to a knee at one point because I was so drunk with adrenaline. I felt guilty for leaving my boyfriend alone all afternoon but I also felt such pride with myself for finishing the race. I grabbed my beer, my t-shirt and kissed him with a smile from ear to ear. He was proud of me and that made me even more proud of myself. Just recalling it for you right now, as I type these words, I'm filled with such an emotion that I find I can do no justice to explain it with words.

If you have never pushed yourself to your limits, never tested your abilities I would advise that you do so in whatever means would suit you. The feeling you will get from it is so personal, so grand that you will be greatful. It will be something you have never felt and just feeling it will make you want to experience it again.

I have since signed up for Rugged Manic which I am to be participating in this Saturday coming as part of a very large team started by an Instructor, Vinny, that I met at my gym. I also signed up for one in September called the Ridiculous Obstacle Challenge with some friends and my bocce teammates.

As for the working out, I am fortunate enough to have found not only the gym I attend, CKO, which I absolutely love but also a group started by the Instructor I met and two people who also share his passion, Dana and Sasha. The group is called Camp Core and it is communal and wonderful. The trainers workout along with you and drive you forward. It is not only a physical workout but a spiritual, and emotional one as well. They started meeting once a week but it seems as though they will be trying to accomplish two a week which will be great even though unfortunately I was unable to attend either this week that passed.

I am still hurting when it comes to money and every little bit counts. Still searching for a job and doing cakes on the side. I did cupcakes and chocolate lollipops for my cousin's baptism and a christening cake for the daughter of a girl I went to elementary school with. I also did two smash cakes for photo shoots, one for my best friend's son and one for my co-worker's daughter. Photos to come.

I also binge watched both seasons of Orange is the New Black and when my Boyfriend took me out for my birthday I got free icecream from the Crazy Pyes truck. He also took me to the Avengers Station exhibit in the Discovery Museum in the city and got me a beautiful Alex and Ani bracelet. 

I also, thanks to my ex boss and friend, got to watch If/Then the musical with Indina Menzel and Anthony Rapp. It was sad, and thought proving but simply amazing. 

Then I got to spend a very nice weekend with my boyfriend at the beach and his parents and siblings at a barbeque.

That pretty much brings us to today. I can't honestly think of anything else to mention except some unsavory moments that fell in between much of all that. However I'm trying to be more positive with my thoughts as to not burden my heart. So I leave you with this:

Laugh until your body Aches, 
Cry until you start to Shake, 
Live like the world is Yours to Take and 
Love as though Your Heart Won't Break.

~Unknown~

I think it's Time for a Change

Today was a bit of a roller coaster for me. Still no room/apt of my own. Still unemployed with no real prospects. So I decided to take control of something in my life. I purchased the book:

This Is Why You're Fat (And How to Get Thin Forever): 

Eat More, Cheat More, Lose More--and Keep the Weight Off

by Jackie Warner 

One of my cousins read this book, followed it throughout tax season (She's an accountant) and she looks amazing. Not to say that I thought she looked bad before or even that I think I look terrible, but I'm tired of lacking energy. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I'm tired of going to the gym and not getting the toned tummy I desire because I don't eat right. 

I lack self control when it comes to sugar. Most especially when I'm depressed or down which I have been lately. I pardon myself from the guilt of eating shitty by saying well I *feel* shitty so this will make me feel better. It does, at that moment, but in the long run it doesn't give me the relief I honestly need. So I'm going to try really hard to stick to following the diet and lifestyle of this book and see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Another interesting thing happening in my life is that I've joined a Bocce league with some of the boyfriend's girl friends. It starts Thursday and I'm honestly really excited. I worry that they may rethink asking me to join up but I'm hoping everything runs smoothly. I really like hanging out with them and though I refer to them as his friends I guess in part they are mine as well. They invited me out to a baseball game that was really fun and invited the both of us to a holiday party that though slightly emotional was fun as well. Bocce is every Thursday after 7 and we get t-shirts which I think is pretty awesome. I really look forward to having something routine in my life besides the monthly poetry readings I attend in Park slope. 

Here is to exceeding in being more social, possibly losing weight and having a more healthy lifestyle.  

Love and Money

Spent the day out with a new friend yesterday. We drank, ate and vented about life, all the disappointments, the fights, and our hopes for the future. It was freeing…It was also sad. Two things arose from it. The first being a major stress about money, the second a slight concern for love. I spent far too much money the other day, far more then I could honestly afford. It was nice. It was also stressful. Between eating, drinking and traveling it ran me about $90 for the day. Ninety dollars I won’t be regrouping in the foreseeable future considering I have yet to procure a job. 

The friend I was out with and her boyfriend have been together going on 5 years this year, living together for three. We were talking about how we are both waiting for our men to take the leap. I was under the assumption that they had been together longer then my relationship. However learning that they have been together less made me feel a bit concerned that in the event they get engaged it might make my boyfriend less likely to ask me anytime soon.

I try not to bring it up in my relationship, marriage or the jealousy for others engagements. I don’t want to pressure an engagement out of my boyfriend. I know he is very financially oriented. He wants to have everything in order before we take the next step. And though I understand and love him for that, I sometimes can’t help but wonder if it is an excuse more then a reason. I try not to let it get to me, honestly I do. I try to remind myself that negative thoughts and worries are what tend to put strains on my happiness as well as my relationship. 

I am happy, happy with what I have, happy with him but every once and a while I can’t help but feel something. Disappointment or hope, I can’t stop my heart from thinking maybe my time will be coming soon. Can’t stop it from the disappointment every time that’s not the case. I have honestly never in my life loved anyone as much as I love him. Just thinking about it fills my heart to a point I can’t put into words. He makes every day that we are together better. The sun is brighter, the skies more colorful, the sounds more joyful, emotions more intense. He makes me better, makes me strive to be better. I never want to think of a time where we wouldn’t be together. 

Still I can’t help but wonder how long I can hold out. How long is too long? We will be together for six years this August and I just can’t help but hope it’s moving towards something more. It’s not as though we haven’t spoken about it. We both want marriage and children. I just want them sooner. He has asked me to marry him countless times when drunk, when in bed, when we finish watching something particularly sad or romantic. Every time I respond with a “Yes, but you need to ask me for real”. Honestly I don’t even care about the ring. All I want in the commitment. 

All I want is for him to say, “This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Not just to me but to everyone. That is what marriage means to me. It’s the desire to shout from the mountaintops that this singular person makes your life complete and you want to be with them forever. Perhaps that is an idealistic way of thinking of it but I’m not so naive to believe that it will be simple. I know it will be difficult. Life is difficult. Nevertheless it is far more worthwhile when you have the person you love by your side.  

To Life, To Love, To the Strength of my Soul

For the past couple of days I've had moments where I have found myself stuck in thoughts and worries about other peoples lives and problems. Not really other people so much as my family, never the less I've had to take a step back, take a few deep breaths and remind myself that they aren't my issues. I won't go into who or what I've been focused on because along with it not being my concern it's also not my place to discuss. However it makes me think of a quote I once read:

It is both a blessing
And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply

I think that I am not the first or last one in my family to be in this predicament. I can think of at least three cousins and two aunts with the same ailment. Ever since I was little I fear I have felt too much. Taken things too harshly. Soaked in every worry, every experience, every failure, every fear, every joy, every everything and marinated on it. In doing so it has made me more open to others leaning on me, counting on me, being disappointed in me, leaving me disappointed in myself. I've often felt this pressure to reach out, to speak up, to fight a fight that isn't my own, not only for family, but for friends, for strangers, always stuck worrying. Always left feeling as though the burden were upon my own shoulders. Left wondering why? Why I've felt responsible for others happiness. Why I love with all passion and conviction without any hesitation to ponder on the consequences of unwanted advice. The unwarranted anger and backlash from those I'm trying to help. I hear many things from many different sources and I somehow feel that I have to help those sources interconnect. Feeling as though somehow my tiny voice will help. Maybe one time someone will listen. Maybe this time someone will take my advice. Maybe this person will see that my concern isn't judgement. That it is only my heart pouring out trying to make the people happy, their loved ones happy, myself happy.

For as far back as I can think in my own life I have felt constricted. As though there is a vice grip on my heart. Sometimes it steals my breath, sometimes it fills my lungs, sometimes it pours forward with all the force of a tidal wave. There are times when I am happy, blissfully happy and all I feel is joy. However those times are far less prevalent compared to the ones where it feels as though the world is weighing down upon my chest. I wonder if I would feel this way if things in my life had gone the way I imagined they would...But even as I wonder that, even with all the pain I've felt, all the rejection, the self contempt, the thoughts of worthlessness, the hatred of others, occasionally of myself, I can't help but think it was all worth it somehow. That maybe somewhere down the road it will all prove to have been working towards something. That all the mistakes and heartbreaks were good things. That all the hopelessness, sorrow and fear were leading me towards the things I was meant to do or have or be. That one day someone will need the advice or the help I try to provide. That it will truly help someone. That my life will prove to have a purpose, even if I can't see it currently. I can only hope for this to be true, however in the mean time I have to reign myself in and remember that I shouldn't worry about things. Not the things that don't concern me, not even the things that do. Worrying leads to nothing but stress and depression. Thoughts and feelings that have more of a negative effect on my mind and my life then I realize. I need to take a deep breath, take a step back and have the faith to believe that everything will indeed work out for the better. Whether I have a hand in it or not.    

The Point of Realization, which can also be referred to as The Freakout

So a couple of weeks ago I had a breakdown...okay in all honesty it was more of a total meltdown. My boyfriend and I were lazying about and he made an off hand comment about my birthday this year. I will be turning 28 in June. Twenty-eight. Out of no where and seemingly all at once I was pelted with so many feelings that I was unable to do anything but curl into the fetal position and cry my eyes out like a new born. Which of course freaked the hell out of my very patient and loving boyfriend who always hates to see me hurting. But it had not dawned on me until that very moment,  stealing away my breath and my wits, this year I will be two years to thirty.

Now I know a lot of you out there are probably thinking, Why is that an issue? Stop overreacting, its just a number. But perhaps there are a few of you who might be in the same position as I am or at least understand where I'm coming from. Let me begin by saying all my life all I have ever dreamed of becoming was a wife, a mother, and a keeper of my house. I know, how very 50's housewife of me. Regardless that has always been the end note. I had some odd notion that I would have it all figured out by 25. My life, my career. That I would have found the one and started my very own family. But 25 came and went, as did 26 and soon 27 will be gone as well. With social media being what it is today it is all to easy to see which of my peers are already married, or with children, or holding their dream job. Who is traveling, or owning their own homes, who is happy...or at least seemingly happy.

And isn't that the issue. 

In this day and age it's far too simple to compare yourself with those around you and find yourself, or your life lacking. Its not hard to feel less then in this world of people posting every blissful moment of their lives. Where everyone out in the world seems so much more put together then yourself. It is far too effortless to find yourself sliding into a dark pit of depression. That is the moment I found myself in during my meltdown. My life, at that moment, unemployed, living at home, with not many friends and a rather inactive social life seemed like a total letdown. Like my life at that moment just seemed disappointing. 

After quite some time swimming in that pit, my head was throbbing, my eyes were red. I had stopped shaking, looked over at my boyfriend and apologized for my meltdown. He told me that it was unnecessary, that he wished he could change things for me and make me happier, which he does effortlessly on a usual basis. He reminded me of everything in life that I have going for me. He told me jokes and made me laugh. And I realized, maybe the road to thirty isn't going to be as horrible as I fear it will be. So here I am, two years to thirty, and my plan is to write this until I hit that birthday. Positive moments, negative moments and everything in between.