I think it's Time for a Change

Today was a bit of a roller coaster for me. Still no room/apt of my own. Still unemployed with no real prospects. So I decided to take control of something in my life. I purchased the book:

This Is Why You're Fat (And How to Get Thin Forever): 

Eat More, Cheat More, Lose More--and Keep the Weight Off

by Jackie Warner 

One of my cousins read this book, followed it throughout tax season (She's an accountant) and she looks amazing. Not to say that I thought she looked bad before or even that I think I look terrible, but I'm tired of lacking energy. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I'm tired of going to the gym and not getting the toned tummy I desire because I don't eat right. 

I lack self control when it comes to sugar. Most especially when I'm depressed or down which I have been lately. I pardon myself from the guilt of eating shitty by saying well I *feel* shitty so this will make me feel better. It does, at that moment, but in the long run it doesn't give me the relief I honestly need. So I'm going to try really hard to stick to following the diet and lifestyle of this book and see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Another interesting thing happening in my life is that I've joined a Bocce league with some of the boyfriend's girl friends. It starts Thursday and I'm honestly really excited. I worry that they may rethink asking me to join up but I'm hoping everything runs smoothly. I really like hanging out with them and though I refer to them as his friends I guess in part they are mine as well. They invited me out to a baseball game that was really fun and invited the both of us to a holiday party that though slightly emotional was fun as well. Bocce is every Thursday after 7 and we get t-shirts which I think is pretty awesome. I really look forward to having something routine in my life besides the monthly poetry readings I attend in Park slope. 

Here is to exceeding in being more social, possibly losing weight and having a more healthy lifestyle.  

Love and Money

Spent the day out with a new friend yesterday. We drank, ate and vented about life, all the disappointments, the fights, and our hopes for the future. It was freeing…It was also sad. Two things arose from it. The first being a major stress about money, the second a slight concern for love. I spent far too much money the other day, far more then I could honestly afford. It was nice. It was also stressful. Between eating, drinking and traveling it ran me about $90 for the day. Ninety dollars I won’t be regrouping in the foreseeable future considering I have yet to procure a job. 

The friend I was out with and her boyfriend have been together going on 5 years this year, living together for three. We were talking about how we are both waiting for our men to take the leap. I was under the assumption that they had been together longer then my relationship. However learning that they have been together less made me feel a bit concerned that in the event they get engaged it might make my boyfriend less likely to ask me anytime soon.

I try not to bring it up in my relationship, marriage or the jealousy for others engagements. I don’t want to pressure an engagement out of my boyfriend. I know he is very financially oriented. He wants to have everything in order before we take the next step. And though I understand and love him for that, I sometimes can’t help but wonder if it is an excuse more then a reason. I try not to let it get to me, honestly I do. I try to remind myself that negative thoughts and worries are what tend to put strains on my happiness as well as my relationship. 

I am happy, happy with what I have, happy with him but every once and a while I can’t help but feel something. Disappointment or hope, I can’t stop my heart from thinking maybe my time will be coming soon. Can’t stop it from the disappointment every time that’s not the case. I have honestly never in my life loved anyone as much as I love him. Just thinking about it fills my heart to a point I can’t put into words. He makes every day that we are together better. The sun is brighter, the skies more colorful, the sounds more joyful, emotions more intense. He makes me better, makes me strive to be better. I never want to think of a time where we wouldn’t be together. 

Still I can’t help but wonder how long I can hold out. How long is too long? We will be together for six years this August and I just can’t help but hope it’s moving towards something more. It’s not as though we haven’t spoken about it. We both want marriage and children. I just want them sooner. He has asked me to marry him countless times when drunk, when in bed, when we finish watching something particularly sad or romantic. Every time I respond with a “Yes, but you need to ask me for real”. Honestly I don’t even care about the ring. All I want in the commitment. 

All I want is for him to say, “This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Not just to me but to everyone. That is what marriage means to me. It’s the desire to shout from the mountaintops that this singular person makes your life complete and you want to be with them forever. Perhaps that is an idealistic way of thinking of it but I’m not so naive to believe that it will be simple. I know it will be difficult. Life is difficult. Nevertheless it is far more worthwhile when you have the person you love by your side.