Nothing is ever as you picture it...but that's not necessarily a Bad Thing.

I have tried to write and re-write this post to no avail. It's been quite a busy and difficult few weeks. So much has happened.  

We got the engagement photos done…that morning we got into a fight about how I seemed to care more and put more into the photos then I have our wedding. It was unexpected and a bit of a blow out. So there were tears and slight hysterics on my side and then we resolved it and went for pictures. Honestly I don’t really like most of them. My eyes are wonky and I had wanted to wear a different outfit but hadn't. It was brisk and chilly so last minute I had to add a jacket that i think probably totally clashes with the rest of what I was wearing. My vision of what I wanted and the vision of our photographer were very different. So not to say that none of the pictures came out well, they all came out beautiful on the photographers end but they just weren’t what I had envisioned. 

Weddings. Marriage. These are things I’ve imagined throughout my childhood. They are things that I’ve pictured throughout our lengthy relationship. Unfortunately all the things you imagine well they tend to leave unrealistic ideas in your head. And these ideas take hold and you cant seem to escape them. The problem with these ideas is that they leave you wanting or disappointed. So I got emotional and then I got over it. 

What's done is done. Besides our photographer was and is an amazing photographer regardless of our art styles being different. Also he’s a family friend of the fiancé.

  

In other news, regarding the venue. The fiancé and I went to two different venues and one of them was Benmarl vineyard, a place that had been at for a wine tasting that I fell in love with. Like seriously over the moon, head over heels, heart swelled, blinded by it, in love. We were supposed to meet with Casey Erdmann but ended up missing her and getting showed around by Kathleen, one of the residents and owners of the vineyard. I felt welcome, I felt home. The time we had with her went smoothly and I knew I wanted, needed to get married at this venue. They understood what I wanted, a focus on family and celebration. And who could say no to that view? Unfortunately when it came down to available dates we would either have to rush to get everything done to try to get the last available date or we would have to push off our wedding until 2017. Both of which were things I didn’t want to do.

The other venue was Brotherhood winery. Also beautiful but in a much different respect. However I knew it wasn't the place for me. I wanted Benmarl.

So once again I was very emotional and I kicked and dragged my feet. I had a bunch of different crazy ideas to try and make it work. I had a phone consultation with one of the caterers that the Benmarl gave us, Pamela's Traveling Feast. They were amazing. I loved Pamela and we seemed to be on the same page. She seemed to understand exactly what I wanted and was so helpful. I was hopeful.

At least until I wrote down all the fees and tallied them up. It was way over our budget. Like by at least 15,000. Talking to the fiance only solidified the fact that with rentals and the bar it was just too far out of our price range. I was heart broken. I was upset, I was fustrated. I let myself morn my hearts desire. Many people told me I could put off my wedding and save up for it but I knew two things with all certainty. Firstly, no matter how long we save up for it neither one of us would feel good spending so much money one one day. And secondly and most importantly, I did not want to put off marrying my fiance for one more day.    

So we were back at square one.

On Friday November 20th I went to the ER. Took an ambulance from a Key food. I was feeling short of breath and worried sick that I had another issue with my blood clots. They ran a bunch of tests, told me I needed a Echocardiogram and asked if I wanted to be admitted. Apperently I had just had a panic attack so the attending said it wasn't necessary but the Echo was. So knowing that we had an appointment with a venue Saturday I was cleared and discharged from the hospital under the firm direction that I get an Echo no later then Monday the 23rd. So the fiance took me home and we went to bed.

On Saturday we went to the venue more because I insisted then anything. I was nauseous, I was anxious. I almost had another panic attack in the Walmart we stopped at to blow time in while we waited for the appointment because we got there early. The fiance said we should cancel but again I insisted we keep our appointment. So we did and it went alright but my heart was filled with dread. I did not like this venue. I feared I'd never like a venue again. They were all the same. Huge gaudy chandeliers and huge cocktail and Venetian hours that I didn't want to have to pay for. I just wasn't feeling it. We told them we would get back to them and left.

We drove to Queens to have dinner with my cousins and then we were supposed to go to the casino for my cousin's birthday celebration. I made it through dinner. That was it. My anxiety got so bad we had to go back home. My heart was beating like a drum and I felt short of breath again. Cut to the week following, I took off work on Monday to go to different Doctors appts and get my Echo. Which if you are wondering came out fine. Absolutely negative of any real issue, thankfully. But then Tuesday I realized I had gotten sick. My nose was congested so I couldn't breath through it and I had chest congestion so I felt as though I couldn't swallow. I was fine during work but when I got home I had a mini panic attack where my mom had to talk me through to realize I could breath. I was going to take over the counter medication but first my PCP said I was to avoid caffeine for a week and second the box said may cause nervousness and I was dealing with enough anxiety. So my mom put me under a towel and over a pot of boiled water with Vicks on my nose.

Eventually the sickness faded and my anxiety dissipated. Then this Saturday, the one following Thanksgiving, we had another appointment at a different Venue. I went in trying not to be disappointed. The women we met with was so nice and when she told me all children under 7 are free I was feeling sold. My family is very important to me and alot of that family has kids and I was hoping to have them all at my wedding. After talking menu she brought us to the different rooms. Room number one was what I had been dreading. Same cookie cutter room you find in any venue. But when she bought us to the second room I was floored. It has a patio and when we went out it was breathtaking. We walked back into the room and I almost cried. I knew that moment. I wanted our wedding there.

The fiance knew this was the place too. He looked at my with the smile I couldn't wipe from my face and knew I wanted it. We made our decision there. She brought us upstairs and gave us dates. Of course with our luck the closer dates were cheaper so though I hadn't originally wanted a date so soon we picked one that fit into our budget and price range. My heart swelled. We booked the place and set the date July 1st, 2016. Exactly a year and 4 days from when we got engaged. Now it feels as though a weight has lifted. I couldn't stop bouncing and to this day, as I write this, I'm still full of excitement.

People are trying to get in. They are trying to stress us out and make us worry that our wedding is in just 7 short months. However we are doing our best to stick together and stick strong. What matters most is that we will be married. I will be Mrs and him my Mr. I am overwhelmed with Joy for it all. I know everything else will fall into place and if it doesn't I will enjoy all the crazy moments by his side. I couldn't be happier or more in love.

Nerves, Photoshoots, Idols and birthdays.

When I last left you I hadn't made much way in planning my wedding with the Fiancé and well we still haven't made any headway. Come the 26th I will have been engaged for four months and besides colors the only thing we have going on is we set up the engagement shoot. Or rather he did. 

Anyway as excited as I am for it I'm also super nervous. I'm so worried at how they are going to come out. Like what if we look stiff and posed. And quite frankly my favorite look is when you are caught off guard. Those are always the best photos, the candid kind. So I guess we shall see. It all depends on the photographer who happens to be a family friend.

I'm really hoping the weather is going to hold up and we won't have to wear parkas. But now the most prominent  thought in my head is what in the world should I wear?? And also how well can I apply makeup to not look like I'm trying too hard?

I'm not one who usually wears any makeup at all. And when I do it's usually just a bit of mascara, some eyeshadow, blush and a colored Chapstick.

This is however an important day and moment and I'm really hoping to manage an outfit and look that still are me without being plain Jane.  

Speaking of Jane, Netflix recently loaded the first season of Jane the Virgin and I'm absolutely loving it!!! If you haven't seen it yet go check it out. It is worth the watch. 

In other news the fiancé and I went to comic con and I met one of my idol's Nathan Fillion. I held it together when I shook his hand and when he said my name. He signed a Malcolm Reynolds  figure I brought from Firefly and I even held it together enough to say goodbye and turn around. The minute I did though I totally broke down. I was just hugging the figure like a teddy bear, tears streaming down my face as I tried to catch my breath. Honestly I didn't know how to feel. It was one of the most amazing moments. 

We had a wonderful day and then my sister called that night to tell me that my cousin who was supposed to go with her to Comic Con on Sunday cancelled and then I got to go again. 

As much as I was originally slightly dreading it because I was so exhausted from the day before I'm so glad I went. I got a hopefully awesome present for the fiancé which I won't reveal just yet. And we got to meet one of my sisters idols and she even got a picture with him. She had much the same reaction as I did.

It was a really great time. 

Well the fiancé's birthday is tomorrow and our pictures are hopefully Saturday. So wish me luck with them both!! 

Fairytales never resemble reality.

When I was younger then I am today I day dreamed of my wedding. I always pictured that my fiancé would be as excited about it as I was. He would be into taking pictures together and planning things out. I pictured him making decisions and wanting to do everything together. Venue shopping, food tasting, haggling. Funny thing is? I never really dated any guys that fit that mold. 

And now, today, being engaged as I am I still don't have that guy. My fiancé is great but he's the finance guru. He's the love of my life that wants to bend over backwards for me while not breaking the bank. He's the type of guy who, though he wants to get married, complains about every little detail. How many people we're inviting, how much it's all going to cost, how annoying it is and how it's so much like work, how we should just elope. 

Now let me be real with you for a moment here, being engaged is tuff. There are the small disagreements turned arguments, the stress of feeling like you will never figure things out, worrying that what you want won't be what your fiancé wants, rethinking it all in your head and honestly considering saying screw it and not doing anything at all.

Now I'm not saying being engaged is not exciting. I do love it. I love having a fiancé and being away from him always sucks. However when we are together, quite frankly, there are more enjoyable things to do then stress about a wedding.

Which is probably why, three months in, and we haven't made any real decision beside colors. So what are you to do when it all feels like just a little too much?

The fiancé and I are going to-hopefully- go to the SNL exhibition on Friday and then we have made plans to really make some decisions on Sunday.

Thing is, I have been waiting my whole life for this. For the planning, for the wedding, mostly for everything that comes with it. Being a wife and living with my husband. But when you are finally in it sometimes things just don't equal up to what you imagined. Now it's a good thing because most of what you dreamed of was probably a tad unrealistic but it's also slightly earth shattering when you realize it. When you are face to face with your gift horse and you have no idea how to ride it.

I realize that I don't really know what I want. And the things I do want are pretty expensive and out of budget. Also seeing as my fiancé is very cost conscious I find myself wondering if I skipped it would I ever miss it?

But I know I would. That day doesn't mean to me what it means to a lot of other people. It's not about status or image. It's not about showing up anyone or living out some fantasy I've had since I was a kid. It's about being with the ones I love. It's about making a pact and promise to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with in front of all those close to us. It's about celebrating our love with all our friends and families and just having a great big party.

After 7 years, after all the ups and downs and twists and turns. After all the obstacles and issues we have overcome in choosing to love and be with one another. This is our moment. And I for one think we deserve it. No matter what we end up deciding, no matter how much the day ends up resembling or not resembling what I'd imagined, no matter how much it actually takes out of us. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the man I want to spend my life with. My partner, my best friend, my one and only. And in the end, even with all the stress of it all, I think it will be worth it. By leaps and bounds.

For the fun of it. A day in the life of my hair.

My hair right when I woke up. I had washed and blow dried it the night before but this is what it looked like when I woke up. 

I decided it need to be straighted. So I did that.

Then I went to walk the dog and was greeted by this as I walked out the door:

Rainy day central. So of course when I came back from walking the dog. 

Then it was back outside to head to work. Where I saw a rainbow. 

And then I descended into the subway which was muggy as all hell.

By the time I got to work and and sat for breakfast I had this going on.

So I ran some water through it.

Much better. But then the day went on. This is mid afternoon. Once the water dried and my hair settled.

And then of course end of day came. And the rain hadn't stopped. Here's me on the bus.

And then I went out for drinks with a friend so I had to make it look a bit more kept.

Walking home from the night it looked like this.

And of course after getting home pre shower it had grown a sort of volume unknown to man.

And post shower before bed this is the last way it decided to lay. 

Such are the trails and tribulations of curly hair and when I wake up the next morning it's starts again...

You’re Engaged…Now What?

So it’s officially been a little over 2 months that we have been engaged. I don’t know what I originally imagined it to be like. However I can tell you for certain it fills you with so many different emotions. First there is this insane sort of happiness. Like an eternal giddiness with life and the fiancé. But then there is also this fear. It’s not quite deep rooted, just sort of coating the surface at times. I’m left suddenly nervous and a tad anxious. Can I actually do this? Will I be a good wife? What if I fail at it? What if a suck at being a mother? What if I can’t hack it?

Those moments are scary and though I don’t often share them, when I do, the fiancé always reassures me that we will succeed. That we will make the best out of what life has given us and we will ride this wave together. We have been through so much. And through it all, good and bad we have stood together and overcome.

Then of course there is the slight stress of planning this event with all that it entails. Who to invite, who you have to exclude, where the money will come from, where you are to live. All these unknowns could drown you if you allow them too. The fiancé tends to over stress it all. I try to bring him back around to me. We are not the type of people who will plan outside our means. Nor are we the type that care about every little minute detail.

It has caused much discussion among friends, family and the odd stranger. They don’t understand why we haven’t posted it all over social media. (A personal decision for us) They don’t understand how we don’t have a specific date chosen. Don’t understand how I’m not speaking about the upcoming nuptials with every breath I take and shimmering eyes filled with all the wonder I can imagine. I have even been told that what they were getting from me was that I didn’t want a wedding at all because I didn’t care about what venue or time of year the wedding occurred.

What they don’t seem to understand, what a lot of people don’t seem to understand is my entire life I have had one serious goal. Judge me however you will after my next comment, but all I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother. I may have written about this before but I can’t quite recall so maybe you can’t either. But I had always wanted to be married with children by now. I had a close moment there in college with my first love but it was a difficult and fairly toxic relationship that we could just never make work. No matter how much we desired to make it so. So for me, after living through all that. After meeting my fiancé, my best friend and partner, after fighting tooth and nail for this relationship and growing besides this person that I couldn’t even see myself living without, the wedding just doesn’t matter to me as much as the marriage does. As much as the act of promising ourselves to one another in front of all our friends and family.

If you are engaged, have been engaged or are on the path to getting engaged I can tell you, at least from what I have encountered, everyone wants to discuss and give you advice about the wedding. What you should or shouldn’t do. How much you should actually spend, who to invite or not invite, how to handle the actual day, or what the actual day should be like. Very few and I mean a rare few will actually want or give you advice about the actual MARRIAGE. Which boggles my mind. That is the most important part of the day. Or at least it should be. It will be. For me.

Another difficult part of being engaged at the moment is that though the fiancé and I have been together for 7 years (this past 30^th of august) he didn’t propose to me until now. This unfortunately for us comes a few months after my cousin proposed to his fiancé. The mother of his two children, who he has been with for 5 years now. Also having always wanted a fall wedding we are stuck with the fact that my cousin and his fiancé have already picked Autumn for their wedding. In 2016.

So now I am suck feeling quite at war with myself. I don’t want either wedding to be less special or less important to either of us. I don’t want to land a date before them and seem like I’m attempting to beat them. I don’t want to pick a date directly after them and seem second fiddle. Then you have two bridal showers, and to boot I’m one of her bridesmaids. So that means I have to plan my own wedding while making myself present for her and all the planning of her wedding. And I want to be included in her wedding but that is now an added stress on my plate because it cuts into the cost of my budget out of my own wedding. Then there is the fact that having been in a relationship with my fiancé for as long as I have I have already imagined my procession down the aisle. I have always imagined it including my two younger cousins as my flower girls and my cousin and his fiancé’s sons as my ring bearers. Exactly what she has also recently decided.  

So honestly it does sometimes hurt my heart. Knowing that they already have their life together and my fiancé and I haven’t even begun ours and the possibility of having to push that life further behind to not step on toes gets a bit overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point sometimes of making me not even want to have a wedding. That coupled with the fiancés worries about finances and knowing I don’t have as much to input into the wedding as he will… well sometimes it seeps into me and makes my stomach turn.

I try to be positive. Because this is the Man I want to spend my life with. And if there is something I have learned from this life it is that I never get what I want. What I get is everything. It’s amazing and I couldn’t be more grateful but it’s never what I planned or imagined. Maybe that is a good thing…but sometimes it does seem as if things in life are against me. I know here come little miss melodrama, who let her in? We don’t want what she is selling.

I know.

Sometimes it just feels nice to let the bitter sink into your tongue. Let it soak all of you and allow yourself to wallow in it. I’m not doing that now though, or today. Also I’ve been determined to not do it at all in general anymore.

However there are all those obstacles. Obstacles on top of trying to figure out what to do living situation wise, as well as finding time to actually do any planning. We’ve talked about some things. Chosen our colors and such but nothing finite and most specifically nothing definite. No venue or date. Haven’t even nailed down guest lists. I also want to do professional photos. Have always wanted engagement photos to put on the save the dates and such but that is a task as well. Finding the time and the money, let alone the photographer. The fiancé is also not really the excited ‘let’s do it all type’. I’m aware some of you don’t think that guy exists but I promise you he does. I’ve seen him, heard about him and interacted with such a man. A man who has ideas about his own wedding and wants to plan fun or crazy things, who is excited about getting to take photos with the one he loves. Anyway that Man is not the guy I am marrying so I guess getting super pumped to go forward with planning the wedding is a bit difficult. Not that the fiancé isn’t happy or excited to be engaged he is…though lately I think the stress has been eating at him a tad because he’s been a bit curt. Never the less engagements can be wonderful. Mine definitely has been, obstacles and all.

As dreary as this post seemed to get at the end there, I really am beyond excited to be engaged to the love of my life. And we will - one of these days - actually manage to plan some things out. I think we are just going to let the venue we book dictate our wedding date. I think we shall just pick from whatever days they have available and essentially just let the universe decide. I mean we got engaged in outer space so who better then to hand the reigns over to. Anyway I am off for the night, remember:

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” ~Anonymous    

Did that just happen?

On June 26th at about 2:30pm I was under the stars of the Hayden planetarium dome listening to Neil Degrass Tysen speak about Dark matter when it happened. The boyfriend was sitting beside me, crinkling some plastic of sorts. Having not had breakfast or lunch I assumed he was fumbling with candy and was thinking about what I may have in my purse to ease his craving. As I went to lean over to tell him I had some Altoids and starburst to offer, he leaned in and my world changed. With a few words he asked and I accepted. In the dark room under the vast universe projected above he took my hand in his and went to slip the ring on my finger. Of course this was a task in the dark but I helped and slid it on. I cried. We kissed. And then we sat enjoying the show. I was surprised but my heart was full with so much joy I felt like I could burst.

Was it what I wanted or even expected? Not at all. But it was honest and sweet, private and romantic and totally made my day. And with that I was engaged. 

Engaged it's so weird to say. I've been wishing and hoping and waiting for this moment and now that it had arrived all I could do was beam. He chose me. He finally decided to commit. To me, to us, to our future.  

I called my mom to tell her, she was beyond excited and then we spent the rest of the day and the night together and it was bliss. 

But with every happy moment comes issues and the more people we told the more questions were asked or comments were made and the less shiny it all got.

Now hold on, I see you rolling your eyes, I'm not saying it was ruined, or that I'm no longer excited and filled with joy because that is not the case. I'm simply saying that I enjoyed being in our bubble just the two of us and that the more people told the harder it is to remain light and happy.

It's stressful. But we spoke and decided that first we weren't putting it on Facebook or Instagram and second that we were going to enjoy the bliss throughout the summer. We just want to enjoy being engaged before rushing straight into wedding dates and venues and guest lists. And I'm so happy to be sharing the rest of my life with this Man. This best friend of mine who understands me and wants to enjoy this time as much as me and understands why it's important to do so. I mean we have been dating for 7 years this August, I do believe we have earned that right. We've worked really hard in this relationship and are just going to do our best to block the world out and enjoy these days together, calling one another fiancé and snuggling in this happy moment in our lives, together.

29 and Not Feeling Fine

So it has been officially five days since my birthday. It wasn't as horrible as I had been thinking it would be. All of my family came over, as they do every year, for a celebration of my grandmother's birthday which is the day before mine. The boyfriend did have to work but he got to spend three hours at the house with my family and I'm very greatful for that. Then I spent the remainder of the day running the grills because I like to, I'm good at it, and my cousin who usually does it wasn't able to come do to work. By the end of the day I was fully drained with a massive headache. The boyfriend picked me up after he got out of work at 11:30 pm and brought me back to his place so I could wake up next to him on my birthday. He had work, but nevertheless took me out to brunch anyway and the food was phenomenal. The gifts he got me were right up my alley and I loved them.

Yes that is a Marvel Stark Industries jacket. Yes I am super enthralled by it. I'm so happy he found it for me.

The rest of my actual birthday also went well. We bought three slices of Bein me Sabe cake from a Venezuelan Resturant and I made it into a little makeshift cake and it was delicious.

Please note the recycling use of my baby cousins birthday candle because we had nothing else. But all in all it was a really nice day. 

Cut to Tuesday night, the boyfriend and I went to go see Jurassic World and I loved every minute of it. If you haven't seen it go now. It was really amazing. Then we went back to his house and everything was good until it wasn't.  

Honestly I can't even remember what it was about, the argument or fight or whatever it was but it was full of lots of tears on my side and a ton of frustration on his. I decided that we should take a week or two off of seeing one another which of course he disagreed with. My thought process was that if he doesn't see me for a week it will give him the time to think things through and decided what he wants from me, for us, and for the future. 

It's been a lot like that lately. Arguing and discussing things I don't want to discuss anymore. Things that have been so over discussed it's getting ridiculous. Like this morning for instance. Last night we had a great night...well except for one hormonally emotional part where I cried my eyes out mostly because I felt fat and like a total failure when it comes to eating right and working out and reaching my goal of not looking like I do. But anyway this morning all was well and then I mentioned the week off break thing and then it wasn't. 

He still disagrees and voiced that but I still think it would be good for us. Firstly for the reasons stated above but also for me. To take a break for the heart ache. To take a break from thinking every moment that I'm not enough. That this isn't working. The clock as I wrote in my last post is ticking and I'm feeling it in my throat. And quite frankly it's suffocating. Which I know is ironic because I'm the one who set the date. I can easily change it. I can decide to be with him forever even though I will never get what I want out of it. Will never feel satisfied or accomplished or worth enough to be someone that anyone could love enough to want forever. I could decide to live every moment with the uncertainty of wether or not I'll wake up feeling happy or totally broken...but quite frankly I don't want to do that. 

I love him so much. He is my everything. But I can't allow myself to lose all of me in this relationship. I can't allow myself to agree to feeling empty, angry and hurt on a 24/7 basis. And honestly it's a good thing. It wouldn't just be unfair to me. It would be unfair to both of us.

I know that there are some of you sitting reading this like really girl? Shut the hell up already about it. Some who are sitting there thinking you would probably not want to marry me either because I'm so much to handle. And I understand that. I do. I know I'm a lot to handle. But I'm not asking him to marry me tomorrow just soon. Or if it's not something he's ready for within the year to cut me lose. So I can wallow and cry and eat crap and lick my wounds and then get up, dust myself off and start my life anew with a different future. Maybe a different person. One who *is* ready for all the things I've been ready for for years now. And honestly, though you may think it is, I don't feel like that is asking for to much.

But maybe I am. I can't be sure. All I know is the boyfriend this morning said in jest that not only will he not see me until next Friday he won't hear from me. That wasn't my intention and I said that but then I felt frustrated and I said if he wanted it that way then so it shall be. He made a comment how we wouldn't, I wouldn't be able to do that and I said stubbornly that I would. Because I happen to be a women of my word. 

...Some word. He didn't call me when he went to work like he usually does. My heart was pounding in my chest from 2pm-3 wondering if he would call, checking my phone every couple of minutes but he didn't. And I stubbornly decided I wouldn't break so I didn't call or text him either. And now I feel such a larger emptiness. Because not hearing from him sucks. And thinking that he might not even text me to tell me he got home from work safe makes me paranoid and worried. 

This is the problem with us. Even when all I want to do is stick to my guns it makes me sick to my stomach and so very sad not hearing from him or being with him. I don't even know what to do anymore...

The clock is ticking...

It's exactly four days until my 29th birthday. Four days until it's one year until I'm 30. I had wanted to be more adamant about writing this. Had wanted to keep up with it. Be a blogger. Be involved in my thoughts in a process where I could put them into words and make them easier to process. As usual though it got away from me. I don't know what it is, a lack of time? Of desire? Lack of drive to complete things? Life has been busy but also not. When it's eventful it's all consuming and stressful in a good way; but it leads me to a crash. To a time when all I want to do is watch Hulu or Netflix. Alone. Preferably, though never usually, with some form of booze. Because that is the way I can shut it all off. Lock myself in a room, lose myself in the drink and the drama of someone else's life. Someone fictional, someone who has more of a possibility for things to come out their way. For them to come out on top. I honestly can't truly complain. I have a family that loves me, a boyfriend who is caring and attentive when he can be, my health, an income...so why is it all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out?

If I had to guess I would say, I'm not happy. Not truly. I love my life, love that I have an opportunity to live it, love my friends and my family...however there is this piece of me...that is just absent. Been missing for quite some time now. Maybe it's self love. Maybe it's self satisfaction. Or maybe it's just I'm not living the life I desire. Not the glitz and glam lifestyle where all you do is party and drink. Where your nights consist of dancing in clubs where you can't hear yourself think and the beat of your heart mirrors that of the music. Not the life where you fuck the night away with anyone that strikes your fancy. The opposite actually. The life where you work or stay at home. Where you keep a house and put meals on the table. Where all your moments involve the one you chose as your own and the ones you made together. Formed from love and desire and connection...or a drunken night or two. Those little ones who fill your heart with so much love you just want to burst. Who even when you're stressed and falling apart, even when you feel and look a mess you could never love any less then you do the heart that beats within your chest.

Maybe it's the fact that I have never felt or considered myself worthy. Of love, of being loved. All I have ever desired my entire life was to have one person who would pick me. Out of everything and everyone in this world. They would say this is the person I want beside me. This is who I want to have every future moment with, good and bad. I thought I had that once...maybe I did...but that passed with the wind. To young, to far, to much history. Now that is so far from over. Found another, made a life with them, life with two kids and the moments I can only dream of. After 25 everything changed. I yearn for kids. I hold a baby and my body screams at me. It says make this, create this love outside of yourself. Be a part of the future of this world, you can do better or at least you can do different. It can be argued that I have that now. The one who wants me and only me. Who's only future imaginable is one that I am a part of. It can be argued by everyone but myself. For all I can see is how the commitment has yet to be made. The true commitment. The binding one. The one that says to everyone this is the choice I have made. It is my own. It comes from my heart and I can no longer contain it there. This is my person. This is the one I choose. This is the one I love even when I don't want to. Even when its hard. This is the one I want as my partner, until I die.

I come from a family where I never in the entire span of my life ever saw my parents kiss or be anyway intimate towards one another. Perhaps that has put me at fault in life. Caused much of my problems. Having had parents who were done with one another, possibly, before I was even formed. Or maybe it's whats kept me strong in my relationships or at least kept me in the ring. Fighting for what I want, who I want. Honestly for me it's all about the action. I don't care about the ring and though I would love an extravagant and poignant proposal even that doesn't matter. I just want words. Words from the heart and a promise. With some small token whatever it may be. Just something to say this time it's real. This time it's serious. This time and always, I want you. I love you. Please be mine, forever, until the end of our lives.

Sadly I'm beginning to reside myself to a fate where the one I want this from never takes the leap. Never makes the promise and my heart breaks to such a point that I have to leave. Have to walk out. Because there will be no coming back from that final heart break. No return from the final piece of self slipping out of me. I will only be a shell. A shell filled with broken promises, empty words, untold truths, mistakes, and more self loathing then any one person could attempt to handle. A shell of who I once was and the future I used to want. A person who doesn't just think they aren't worthy of the thing the truly desire, a person who knows they aren't. Just a ball of hurt, disappointment and anger walking around with human legs. Pretending to be a person when the need arises and disappearing the moment you turn your head. Like a smile the only lasts long enough for you to look at it.

A Happy St. Paddy's Day Parade

Sunday was the Staten Island St. Patrick's day parade. It's a very big celebration. Families and friends get together, drink, party, eat and generally celebrate a new year. For some it's like a birthday, Christmas and New Years all rolled into one. A lot of people stand by the side lines to watch the parade but I honestly haven't seen it in years. 

The Boyfriend and I got to our friends house for 10am. We brought Whiskey and doughnuts. Everyone who was there was already in full swing. Eggs were being made, beers were being consumed and the bagels were sitting on the table waiting to be eaten. 

The day passed quickly and as usual we were too busy enjoying one another's company to venture out of the house for the parade. Out of no where the snow came down in full force and apperently as we heard from those who actually attended the parade it was the shortest it has ever been.

We left the house to head to another friends mothers house for Cornbeef, cabbage, and soda bread. His large family were already in full swing there partying. The food was amazing and the company was even better.

All in all it was one of the best SI St. Paddy's days I have had and it was wonderful to share it with the people I care for. 

Living with pulmonary embolism's, getting back to work, a big blowout,21 days and realizing my birthday's coming again

After a very annoying and complicated process, I finally got a doctor to go and see. Unfortunately for me I did not yet have health insurance so just seeing that Dr. cost me $430. We discussed what I would and wouldn't be able to do, if I could go back to work, and what might possibly have caused me to get my PE. 

Thankfully the doctor was really considerate about the fact that I didn't have health insurance. He prescribed me more Xarelto and also prescribed two tests for me to get to understand if genetics is a possible cause for my PE. He told me not to get my prescription filled or to take the test until my health insurance came in. He also wrote me a note to say that I could return to work, under the condition I listened to my body and didn't do anything too stressful. Thankfully he also said that I would be able to drink socially, eat what I wanted because there wasn't any things I really needed to avoid on Xarelto and was able to travel. 

Three weeks after figuring out I had PE and spending time in the hospital I was finally back to work. Unfortunately for me that brought a lot of back log of actual work but I was happy enough just to be making a paycheck again. 

The boyfriend and my friend got engaged to her long time boyfriend and decided they were moving to Nashville. It was nice to celebrate with them without having to be the only one drinking water.

Valentine's Day was when they actually had their party and luckily the boyfriend was able to celebrate with us. After that a bunch of us went out to White Castle which was doing a resturant type celebration with tablecloth and waitstaff. It was silly but actually really fun. 

We swapped presents. I got him The Teenage Mutant ninja turtles Art book and he got me, The Book of Life movie, the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and tickets to see Dropkick Murphys live. Which I'm actually really excited for.

On Valentine's Day my cousin also proposed to his girlfriend whom he has two kids with. In length they haven't been together as long as my boyfriend and I but I was happy and am excited for them. But with a proposal comes conversations about weddings and marriage and that's where the issues came.

This year I have honestly been contemplating whether or not to stay in my relationship. It's not a lack of love. I love him more then I could ever manage to explain or articulate on this blog. But we have been together for going on 7 years this August and I have been ready for marriage for almost 5 years of that. 

Being in the situation is hard. When you love someone so much and want to be with them and so you convince yourself to wait around for them. After 25 and countless proposals around you, you start to wonder. What is so wrong with me that we have been together this long and it still hasn't happened? You start to second guess yourself. You convince yourself it doesn't matter but it does.

It matters a lot. You have moments of depression and you feel unloved. You feel like maybe you will never be enough. Being a person who's entire life all I've wanted to do was be a wife and a mother I see that I've begun to put myself down. You tell yourself if it was meant to be, if you were a good girlfriend, a good person, it would have happened already.

You fall into a pit of despair and nothing and no one can truly get you out of there. Everyday is a waiting game. Everyday is the potential for a proposal which never comes. You have days, weeks, months where it doesn't even cross your mind. You are happy and living life is a distraction. However when the thought comes through its a pit in your chest and you steel yourself not to make a conversation or argument over it. 

Well all the talk about Weddings made it really hard to not think of the lack of my own. And the boyfriend would just talk non-stop about our engagement or wedding or children and it really hurt. But when I asked him quite a few times to not mention us in relation when talking about others he never remembered and would do it again. 

One morning we had a big argument when he drove me to work. My whole day was off but by the end of it I had put it mostly out of my mind. Deciding that I should talk to him before making any drastic moves. When he picked me up from work we were both strained. There was an elephant in the car and he was taking all the air and space and eventually it broke us down.

We got into such an argument that he said we were done and drove me to his house to pack up all my stuff. I was shocked, I was hurt, I was not leaving. We fought and fought and finally he said enough mean things that I stormed upstairs to pack. The entire time I wanted to kiss him and I couldn't help but think I'm losing my everything. Because yes I love him and want to be with him because of that but also he's the first one I want to share things with. A funny story, a bad day, a new joke. It sounds stupid because we weren't friends before we dated but I knew I'd lose my best friend. I also knew that if I walked out that door I was done. That was it. Never again. And I knew with every fiber of my being that he wouldn't be. That maybe not the next day or the following but sometime within the week he would be calling to apologize. To tell me he was wrong And that he was sorry. To tell me that he loved me and he wanted no one else. I also knew that if I walked out that door and he called me I wouldn't pick up. I wouldn't look back because we had already broken up once. Once was my limit. 

I started packing bags while we continued to fight and I cried and cried and then at one point it just snapped. He looked at me and apologized and said that it had all gotten out of hand, that he didn't know how it went this far. He was mad the entire day about our fight and had convinced himself that it would be better if we were apart. That I would be happier if we weren't together. But I wouldn't have and I clearly wasn't. So we decided that was it enough was enough. We couldn't be having these fights and that was it. We talked about what happened and how we felt and what we wanted out of the relationship. We kissed and he held me and then we made dinner together and went on with our night.

Cut to a week or so later. I was really happy because my 21 day fix came in the mail. Being in an office environment had gained me 10lbs and being on Xarelto twice a day for 21 days had gained me an additional 10lbs. So my friend who is a beach body coach told me about the 21 day fix. I thought this was exactly what I need. It's got an eating plan and a workout and it's supposed to help you lose at least 15lbs if you stick to everything and do it. Well my aunt asked me how old I was going to be this year and I realized I'm going to be 29...

This blog has been open for a year now. One entire year had gotten away from me that quickly. I felt like I was punched in the throat. I would be 29. Unmarried, without children, not living with my boyfriend or even engaged, no set career, no house, not even an apartment. I was blasted by the thought that 30 is now even closer. Right around the corner and I wasn't ready for it. I'm not ready for it.

A time bomb in my Chest

It began like any normal day, waking up to pain. Having plantar fasciitis I'm used to this sort of thing. However instead of my foot hurting it was my leg. The bakers cyst leg. I joked with the boyfriend that I had a blood clot. Okay so not so much a joke. Obviously that's not something to joke about so, let's just say I made an offhand comment. Anyway, I was also in the beginning of a cold so I popped an Aleve and followed it with a shot of DayQuil. I want to first side note this by saying that I DO NOT ADVISE anyone to copy that. It was horrible behavior and a really stupid idea. Off we went in the car, nice stop at Wawa for fattening and delicious breakfast items and coffee. 

Cut to the boyfriend's parent's house. He left with his Father to pick up the truck his dad had just purchased that needed to be towed. I stayed behind. Little did I know...

His younger sister was home as well and we proceeded to watch crappy movies and bad television while talking about nothing and everything. I went to the bathroom and on my way back to the living room which is past the kitchen I lost my breath. Sitting at the table with my head in my hands I felt as though I were having a panic attack. His sister thought it was that as well. However my panic attacks generally come with a sense of sadness or dread and I could feel no reason for this attack. 

His sister gave me apple sauce and a glass of cold water with a straw. She told me it's what her mom does for her when she has a panic attack and just to relax and breathe. She placed a wet hand towel on my neck and I started to feel better. Text from the boyfriend revealed that they were on their way home. He asked if we wanted to go for lunch and knowing that his sister wanted to I said sure.

Feeling up to it we put everything to the side and headed out the front door both convinced that the fresh air would do me good. My body felt like I had been drenched in icy hot though and I was worried that my stupidity of taking an Alieve and DayQuil was the culprit. 

Walking to the van from the front door, maybe 30 steps, wore me out. I semi collapsed into the passenger seat and told his sister I wasn't going to be able to make lunch. I felt dizzy, I felt light headed, but mostly I felt paroidnoid that I wouldn't ever catch a full breath again. I closed my eyes and dreamt for a moment. When I opened them I could feel tears in my eyes and his sister was telling me that everything was alright and to stay with her. That I was safe and she wouldn't allow anything to happen to me but that I couldn't fall asleep.

I felt tired, almost drunk with it. She was shaking, clearly scared. I pat her arm and told her everything would be alright but even doing so felt fuzzy. As though I were half asleep. I can't even say if my eyes were mostly open or mostly closed. The boyfriend came and told me he was taking me to the hospital. I had just got my barings and really didn't want to make the walk to his car. I honestly didn't think I would make it but I steeled myself and drunkenly walked out of the van and leaning on him for support made it to his car. He drove me to the hospital which I honestly don't recall much of at all. 

When we arrived, around 2pm, he sat me on a nice cold bench while he went to park the car not wanting me to have to walk back. When he returned I was sitting, breathing deeply to try and grab a full breath. He told me we had to walk to the door, maybe 20 or so steps. Looking toward it I knew I wouldn't make it and told him so. He convinced me it wasn't that far and we went walking. When we got in I semi collapsed again into a waiting area seat while he went to talk to the desk. Someone came over to me with a wheelchair. I can't remember if it was him or someone working for the hospital but that wheelchair was the best feeling. Not having to walk I was able to catch my breath and wits enough to come back to society and answer some questions.

They wheeled me around to a bed, an IV and a pretty paper thin gown to wear. The doctor spoke to me and then I was taken for a lung x-ray, leg sonogram, and a chest x-ray. When I got back after a while of waiting the doctor came to speak to us again. That was around 7pm.

He told us that there was a high probability of a blood clot in my lungs and that he wanted to admit me. Knowing I wasn't from New Jersey he said I could travel back to New York to go to a hospital there but that he honestly didn't think it was wise to travel.

I cried, mostly I think from shock, but I was admitted. I had to call my poor mother who was of course home in NY and doesn't drive. She began to worry the moment I told her. Sitting in my wheel chair with the best possible boyfriend sitting watch, I waited. They came by and took blood from my artery, one of the most painful shots I have ever had, to make sure I had enough oxygen in my blood. I asked if I could eat and they said they would supply me with something so the boyfriend went off for his own sustinence. They gave me a ham sandwich when all I really wanted was a banana but I ate half anyway. When he returned he had things for me to snack on as well as some stuff to entertain myself with. Though I didn't touch either. 

The tv in the waiting room blathered with reports of things in the News I rather have not listened to and he tried to take my mind of things by joking with me to pass the time.

We waited forever for a bed. They moved me back to the first bed I had been seen in originally so I could stretch out and they hooked me up with an IV drip and heart monitors. I had only had half of my sandwich but it came back up with a vengeance. The boyfriend went to get me something to puke in and all they gave him was this small kidney bowl. Then after filling said bowl I said I needed something more and he went to get that for me as well. He then stood there full kidney bowl in hand like the best trooper I could never imagine. 

They gave me something for the nausea in my IV and thankfully I didn't repeat the action all night. They moved me and my bed to a hallway with curtains for walls and many more beds. By the time I got a room it was 11pm. The amazing boyfriend he was, knowing he had work the following day, after having spent his one day off with me in a hospital practically all day, still waited until I fell asleep before sneaking out to go home. Even after I had told him to leave ealier knowing he wasn't going to get much sleep, the few hours he had between getting home and having to wake in the morning.

His mom brought my mom to the hospital the following day, my dad came to see how I was and my aunt and uncle showed up to see how I was doing as  well. By the end of night two I was still spending it in the hospital. 

Day three my nurse said she wanted me out of the bed and walking to the bathroom and sitting up in a chair. Which honestly, after so much bed rest was quite a relef. Then they brought me to my CAT scan around noon. At 3pm the pulmonlogoist came to tell my mom and I that I had multiple pulmonary embolisms. Basically more then one blood clot in not one, but both of my lungs. They had me on blood thinners in the hospital, lovenox,  but he said I would need to continue them outside the hospital as well but that I could go home. He said I would have to follow up with a pulmonlogoist or a hematologist in NY.

Apperently he wasn't the one who needed to clear me though so it wasn't until 9pm that I was officially discharged. 

Now however I am home, two weeks out of work and still waiting to get an appointment with a hematologist. I feel pretty good except I'm getting really tired of people asking me how I'm feeling and it is at times really kind of scary to think that had I not gone to the hospital I could have possibly had a much worse outcome. It is also scary to think that I have these tiny time bombs in my chest that I now have to worry about until I get cleared and told otherwise. 

The cause of them could be my birth control which I had been on for 10 years before obviously discontinuing use of recently. Or it could have been that the bakers cyst was misdiagnosed and I actually had a deep vein thrombosis. I won't know until the doctor sees me. 

For now though I just have to take it easy and not lift anything heavy or run or drink or do anything too strenuous. I'll be very relieved when I know what caused this and what I can do to get back to living my life fully. 

x