I have tried to write and re-write this post to no avail. It's been quite a busy and difficult few weeks. So much has happened.
We got the engagement photos done…that morning we got into a fight about how I seemed to care more and put more into the photos then I have our wedding. It was unexpected and a bit of a blow out. So there were tears and slight hysterics on my side and then we resolved it and went for pictures. Honestly I don’t really like most of them. My eyes are wonky and I had wanted to wear a different outfit but hadn't. It was brisk and chilly so last minute I had to add a jacket that i think probably totally clashes with the rest of what I was wearing. My vision of what I wanted and the vision of our photographer were very different. So not to say that none of the pictures came out well, they all came out beautiful on the photographers end but they just weren’t what I had envisioned.
What's done is done. Besides our photographer was and is an amazing photographer regardless of our art styles being different. Also he’s a family friend of the fiancé.
In other news, regarding the venue. The fiancé and I went to two different venues and one of them was Benmarl vineyard, a place that had been at for a wine tasting that I fell in love with. Like seriously over the moon, head over heels, heart swelled, blinded by it, in love. We were supposed to meet with Casey Erdmann but ended up missing her and getting showed around by Kathleen, one of the residents and owners of the vineyard. I felt welcome, I felt home. The time we had with her went smoothly and I knew I wanted, needed to get married at this venue. They understood what I wanted, a focus on family and celebration. And who could say no to that view? Unfortunately when it came down to available dates we would either have to rush to get everything done to try to get the last available date or we would have to push off our wedding until 2017. Both of which were things I didn’t want to do.
The other venue was Brotherhood winery. Also beautiful but in a much different respect. However I knew it wasn't the place for me. I wanted Benmarl.
So once again I was very emotional and I kicked and dragged my feet. I had a bunch of different crazy ideas to try and make it work. I had a phone consultation with one of the caterers that the Benmarl gave us, Pamela's Traveling Feast. They were amazing. I loved Pamela and we seemed to be on the same page. She seemed to understand exactly what I wanted and was so helpful. I was hopeful.
At least until I wrote down all the fees and tallied them up. It was way over our budget. Like by at least 15,000. Talking to the fiance only solidified the fact that with rentals and the bar it was just too far out of our price range. I was heart broken. I was upset, I was fustrated. I let myself morn my hearts desire. Many people told me I could put off my wedding and save up for it but I knew two things with all certainty. Firstly, no matter how long we save up for it neither one of us would feel good spending so much money one one day. And secondly and most importantly, I did not want to put off marrying my fiance for one more day.
On Friday November 20th I went to the ER. Took an ambulance from a Key food. I was feeling short of breath and worried sick that I had another issue with my blood clots. They ran a bunch of tests, told me I needed a Echocardiogram and asked if I wanted to be admitted. Apperently I had just had a panic attack so the attending said it wasn't necessary but the Echo was. So knowing that we had an appointment with a venue Saturday I was cleared and discharged from the hospital under the firm direction that I get an Echo no later then Monday the 23rd. So the fiance took me home and we went to bed.
On Saturday we went to the venue more because I insisted then anything. I was nauseous, I was anxious. I almost had another panic attack in the Walmart we stopped at to blow time in while we waited for the appointment because we got there early. The fiance said we should cancel but again I insisted we keep our appointment. So we did and it went alright but my heart was filled with dread. I did not like this venue. I feared I'd never like a venue again. They were all the same. Huge gaudy chandeliers and huge cocktail and Venetian hours that I didn't want to have to pay for. I just wasn't feeling it. We told them we would get back to them and left.
We drove to Queens to have dinner with my cousins and then we were supposed to go to the casino for my cousin's birthday celebration. I made it through dinner. That was it. My anxiety got so bad we had to go back home. My heart was beating like a drum and I felt short of breath again. Cut to the week following, I took off work on Monday to go to different Doctors appts and get my Echo. Which if you are wondering came out fine. Absolutely negative of any real issue, thankfully. But then Tuesday I realized I had gotten sick. My nose was congested so I couldn't breath through it and I had chest congestion so I felt as though I couldn't swallow. I was fine during work but when I got home I had a mini panic attack where my mom had to talk me through to realize I could breath. I was going to take over the counter medication but first my PCP said I was to avoid caffeine for a week and second the box said may cause nervousness and I was dealing with enough anxiety. So my mom put me under a towel and over a pot of boiled water with Vicks on my nose.
Eventually the sickness faded and my anxiety dissipated. Then this Saturday, the one following Thanksgiving, we had another appointment at a different Venue. I went in trying not to be disappointed. The women we met with was so nice and when she told me all children under 7 are free I was feeling sold. My family is very important to me and alot of that family has kids and I was hoping to have them all at my wedding. After talking menu she brought us to the different rooms. Room number one was what I had been dreading. Same cookie cutter room you find in any venue. But when she bought us to the second room I was floored. It has a patio and when we went out it was breathtaking. We walked back into the room and I almost cried. I knew that moment. I wanted our wedding there.
The fiance knew this was the place too. He looked at my with the smile I couldn't wipe from my face and knew I wanted it. We made our decision there. She brought us upstairs and gave us dates. Of course with our luck the closer dates were cheaper so though I hadn't originally wanted a date so soon we picked one that fit into our budget and price range. My heart swelled. We booked the place and set the date July 1st, 2016. Exactly a year and 4 days from when we got engaged. Now it feels as though a weight has lifted. I couldn't stop bouncing and to this day, as I write this, I'm still full of excitement.
People are trying to get in. They are trying to stress us out and make us worry that our wedding is in just 7 short months. However we are doing our best to stick together and stick strong. What matters most is that we will be married. I will be Mrs and him my Mr. I am overwhelmed with Joy for it all. I know everything else will fall into place and if it doesn't I will enjoy all the crazy moments by his side. I couldn't be happier or more in love.
