Did that just happen?

On June 26th at about 2:30pm I was under the stars of the Hayden planetarium dome listening to Neil Degrass Tysen speak about Dark matter when it happened. The boyfriend was sitting beside me, crinkling some plastic of sorts. Having not had breakfast or lunch I assumed he was fumbling with candy and was thinking about what I may have in my purse to ease his craving. As I went to lean over to tell him I had some Altoids and starburst to offer, he leaned in and my world changed. With a few words he asked and I accepted. In the dark room under the vast universe projected above he took my hand in his and went to slip the ring on my finger. Of course this was a task in the dark but I helped and slid it on. I cried. We kissed. And then we sat enjoying the show. I was surprised but my heart was full with so much joy I felt like I could burst.

Was it what I wanted or even expected? Not at all. But it was honest and sweet, private and romantic and totally made my day. And with that I was engaged. 

Engaged it's so weird to say. I've been wishing and hoping and waiting for this moment and now that it had arrived all I could do was beam. He chose me. He finally decided to commit. To me, to us, to our future.  

I called my mom to tell her, she was beyond excited and then we spent the rest of the day and the night together and it was bliss. 

But with every happy moment comes issues and the more people we told the more questions were asked or comments were made and the less shiny it all got.

Now hold on, I see you rolling your eyes, I'm not saying it was ruined, or that I'm no longer excited and filled with joy because that is not the case. I'm simply saying that I enjoyed being in our bubble just the two of us and that the more people told the harder it is to remain light and happy.

It's stressful. But we spoke and decided that first we weren't putting it on Facebook or Instagram and second that we were going to enjoy the bliss throughout the summer. We just want to enjoy being engaged before rushing straight into wedding dates and venues and guest lists. And I'm so happy to be sharing the rest of my life with this Man. This best friend of mine who understands me and wants to enjoy this time as much as me and understands why it's important to do so. I mean we have been dating for 7 years this August, I do believe we have earned that right. We've worked really hard in this relationship and are just going to do our best to block the world out and enjoy these days together, calling one another fiancé and snuggling in this happy moment in our lives, together.

29 and Not Feeling Fine

So it has been officially five days since my birthday. It wasn't as horrible as I had been thinking it would be. All of my family came over, as they do every year, for a celebration of my grandmother's birthday which is the day before mine. The boyfriend did have to work but he got to spend three hours at the house with my family and I'm very greatful for that. Then I spent the remainder of the day running the grills because I like to, I'm good at it, and my cousin who usually does it wasn't able to come do to work. By the end of the day I was fully drained with a massive headache. The boyfriend picked me up after he got out of work at 11:30 pm and brought me back to his place so I could wake up next to him on my birthday. He had work, but nevertheless took me out to brunch anyway and the food was phenomenal. The gifts he got me were right up my alley and I loved them.

Yes that is a Marvel Stark Industries jacket. Yes I am super enthralled by it. I'm so happy he found it for me.

The rest of my actual birthday also went well. We bought three slices of Bein me Sabe cake from a Venezuelan Resturant and I made it into a little makeshift cake and it was delicious.

Please note the recycling use of my baby cousins birthday candle because we had nothing else. But all in all it was a really nice day. 

Cut to Tuesday night, the boyfriend and I went to go see Jurassic World and I loved every minute of it. If you haven't seen it go now. It was really amazing. Then we went back to his house and everything was good until it wasn't.  

Honestly I can't even remember what it was about, the argument or fight or whatever it was but it was full of lots of tears on my side and a ton of frustration on his. I decided that we should take a week or two off of seeing one another which of course he disagreed with. My thought process was that if he doesn't see me for a week it will give him the time to think things through and decided what he wants from me, for us, and for the future. 

It's been a lot like that lately. Arguing and discussing things I don't want to discuss anymore. Things that have been so over discussed it's getting ridiculous. Like this morning for instance. Last night we had a great night...well except for one hormonally emotional part where I cried my eyes out mostly because I felt fat and like a total failure when it comes to eating right and working out and reaching my goal of not looking like I do. But anyway this morning all was well and then I mentioned the week off break thing and then it wasn't. 

He still disagrees and voiced that but I still think it would be good for us. Firstly for the reasons stated above but also for me. To take a break for the heart ache. To take a break from thinking every moment that I'm not enough. That this isn't working. The clock as I wrote in my last post is ticking and I'm feeling it in my throat. And quite frankly it's suffocating. Which I know is ironic because I'm the one who set the date. I can easily change it. I can decide to be with him forever even though I will never get what I want out of it. Will never feel satisfied or accomplished or worth enough to be someone that anyone could love enough to want forever. I could decide to live every moment with the uncertainty of wether or not I'll wake up feeling happy or totally broken...but quite frankly I don't want to do that. 

I love him so much. He is my everything. But I can't allow myself to lose all of me in this relationship. I can't allow myself to agree to feeling empty, angry and hurt on a 24/7 basis. And honestly it's a good thing. It wouldn't just be unfair to me. It would be unfair to both of us.

I know that there are some of you sitting reading this like really girl? Shut the hell up already about it. Some who are sitting there thinking you would probably not want to marry me either because I'm so much to handle. And I understand that. I do. I know I'm a lot to handle. But I'm not asking him to marry me tomorrow just soon. Or if it's not something he's ready for within the year to cut me lose. So I can wallow and cry and eat crap and lick my wounds and then get up, dust myself off and start my life anew with a different future. Maybe a different person. One who *is* ready for all the things I've been ready for for years now. And honestly, though you may think it is, I don't feel like that is asking for to much.

But maybe I am. I can't be sure. All I know is the boyfriend this morning said in jest that not only will he not see me until next Friday he won't hear from me. That wasn't my intention and I said that but then I felt frustrated and I said if he wanted it that way then so it shall be. He made a comment how we wouldn't, I wouldn't be able to do that and I said stubbornly that I would. Because I happen to be a women of my word. 

...Some word. He didn't call me when he went to work like he usually does. My heart was pounding in my chest from 2pm-3 wondering if he would call, checking my phone every couple of minutes but he didn't. And I stubbornly decided I wouldn't break so I didn't call or text him either. And now I feel such a larger emptiness. Because not hearing from him sucks. And thinking that he might not even text me to tell me he got home from work safe makes me paranoid and worried. 

This is the problem with us. Even when all I want to do is stick to my guns it makes me sick to my stomach and so very sad not hearing from him or being with him. I don't even know what to do anymore...

The clock is ticking...

It's exactly four days until my 29th birthday. Four days until it's one year until I'm 30. I had wanted to be more adamant about writing this. Had wanted to keep up with it. Be a blogger. Be involved in my thoughts in a process where I could put them into words and make them easier to process. As usual though it got away from me. I don't know what it is, a lack of time? Of desire? Lack of drive to complete things? Life has been busy but also not. When it's eventful it's all consuming and stressful in a good way; but it leads me to a crash. To a time when all I want to do is watch Hulu or Netflix. Alone. Preferably, though never usually, with some form of booze. Because that is the way I can shut it all off. Lock myself in a room, lose myself in the drink and the drama of someone else's life. Someone fictional, someone who has more of a possibility for things to come out their way. For them to come out on top. I honestly can't truly complain. I have a family that loves me, a boyfriend who is caring and attentive when he can be, my health, an income...so why is it all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out?

If I had to guess I would say, I'm not happy. Not truly. I love my life, love that I have an opportunity to live it, love my friends and my family...however there is this piece of me...that is just absent. Been missing for quite some time now. Maybe it's self love. Maybe it's self satisfaction. Or maybe it's just I'm not living the life I desire. Not the glitz and glam lifestyle where all you do is party and drink. Where your nights consist of dancing in clubs where you can't hear yourself think and the beat of your heart mirrors that of the music. Not the life where you fuck the night away with anyone that strikes your fancy. The opposite actually. The life where you work or stay at home. Where you keep a house and put meals on the table. Where all your moments involve the one you chose as your own and the ones you made together. Formed from love and desire and connection...or a drunken night or two. Those little ones who fill your heart with so much love you just want to burst. Who even when you're stressed and falling apart, even when you feel and look a mess you could never love any less then you do the heart that beats within your chest.

Maybe it's the fact that I have never felt or considered myself worthy. Of love, of being loved. All I have ever desired my entire life was to have one person who would pick me. Out of everything and everyone in this world. They would say this is the person I want beside me. This is who I want to have every future moment with, good and bad. I thought I had that once...maybe I did...but that passed with the wind. To young, to far, to much history. Now that is so far from over. Found another, made a life with them, life with two kids and the moments I can only dream of. After 25 everything changed. I yearn for kids. I hold a baby and my body screams at me. It says make this, create this love outside of yourself. Be a part of the future of this world, you can do better or at least you can do different. It can be argued that I have that now. The one who wants me and only me. Who's only future imaginable is one that I am a part of. It can be argued by everyone but myself. For all I can see is how the commitment has yet to be made. The true commitment. The binding one. The one that says to everyone this is the choice I have made. It is my own. It comes from my heart and I can no longer contain it there. This is my person. This is the one I choose. This is the one I love even when I don't want to. Even when its hard. This is the one I want as my partner, until I die.

I come from a family where I never in the entire span of my life ever saw my parents kiss or be anyway intimate towards one another. Perhaps that has put me at fault in life. Caused much of my problems. Having had parents who were done with one another, possibly, before I was even formed. Or maybe it's whats kept me strong in my relationships or at least kept me in the ring. Fighting for what I want, who I want. Honestly for me it's all about the action. I don't care about the ring and though I would love an extravagant and poignant proposal even that doesn't matter. I just want words. Words from the heart and a promise. With some small token whatever it may be. Just something to say this time it's real. This time it's serious. This time and always, I want you. I love you. Please be mine, forever, until the end of our lives.

Sadly I'm beginning to reside myself to a fate where the one I want this from never takes the leap. Never makes the promise and my heart breaks to such a point that I have to leave. Have to walk out. Because there will be no coming back from that final heart break. No return from the final piece of self slipping out of me. I will only be a shell. A shell filled with broken promises, empty words, untold truths, mistakes, and more self loathing then any one person could attempt to handle. A shell of who I once was and the future I used to want. A person who doesn't just think they aren't worthy of the thing the truly desire, a person who knows they aren't. Just a ball of hurt, disappointment and anger walking around with human legs. Pretending to be a person when the need arises and disappearing the moment you turn your head. Like a smile the only lasts long enough for you to look at it.