Thankfully the doctor was really considerate about the fact that I didn't have health insurance. He prescribed me more Xarelto and also prescribed two tests for me to get to understand if genetics is a possible cause for my PE. He told me not to get my prescription filled or to take the test until my health insurance came in. He also wrote me a note to say that I could return to work, under the condition I listened to my body and didn't do anything too stressful. Thankfully he also said that I would be able to drink socially, eat what I wanted because there wasn't any things I really needed to avoid on Xarelto and was able to travel.
Three weeks after figuring out I had PE and spending time in the hospital I was finally back to work. Unfortunately for me that brought a lot of back log of actual work but I was happy enough just to be making a paycheck again.
The boyfriend and my friend got engaged to her long time boyfriend and decided they were moving to Nashville. It was nice to celebrate with them without having to be the only one drinking water.
Valentine's Day was when they actually had their party and luckily the boyfriend was able to celebrate with us. After that a bunch of us went out to White Castle which was doing a resturant type celebration with tablecloth and waitstaff. It was silly but actually really fun.
We swapped presents. I got him The Teenage Mutant ninja turtles Art book and he got me, The Book of Life movie, the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and tickets to see Dropkick Murphys live. Which I'm actually really excited for.
On Valentine's Day my cousin also proposed to his girlfriend whom he has two kids with. In length they haven't been together as long as my boyfriend and I but I was happy and am excited for them. But with a proposal comes conversations about weddings and marriage and that's where the issues came.
This year I have honestly been contemplating whether or not to stay in my relationship. It's not a lack of love. I love him more then I could ever manage to explain or articulate on this blog. But we have been together for going on 7 years this August and I have been ready for marriage for almost 5 years of that.
Being in the situation is hard. When you love someone so much and want to be with them and so you convince yourself to wait around for them. After 25 and countless proposals around you, you start to wonder. What is so wrong with me that we have been together this long and it still hasn't happened? You start to second guess yourself. You convince yourself it doesn't matter but it does.
It matters a lot. You have moments of depression and you feel unloved. You feel like maybe you will never be enough. Being a person who's entire life all I've wanted to do was be a wife and a mother I see that I've begun to put myself down. You tell yourself if it was meant to be, if you were a good girlfriend, a good person, it would have happened already.
You fall into a pit of despair and nothing and no one can truly get you out of there. Everyday is a waiting game. Everyday is the potential for a proposal which never comes. You have days, weeks, months where it doesn't even cross your mind. You are happy and living life is a distraction. However when the thought comes through its a pit in your chest and you steel yourself not to make a conversation or argument over it.
Well all the talk about Weddings made it really hard to not think of the lack of my own. And the boyfriend would just talk non-stop about our engagement or wedding or children and it really hurt. But when I asked him quite a few times to not mention us in relation when talking about others he never remembered and would do it again.
One morning we had a big argument when he drove me to work. My whole day was off but by the end of it I had put it mostly out of my mind. Deciding that I should talk to him before making any drastic moves. When he picked me up from work we were both strained. There was an elephant in the car and he was taking all the air and space and eventually it broke us down.
We got into such an argument that he said we were done and drove me to his house to pack up all my stuff. I was shocked, I was hurt, I was not leaving. We fought and fought and finally he said enough mean things that I stormed upstairs to pack. The entire time I wanted to kiss him and I couldn't help but think I'm losing my everything. Because yes I love him and want to be with him because of that but also he's the first one I want to share things with. A funny story, a bad day, a new joke. It sounds stupid because we weren't friends before we dated but I knew I'd lose my best friend. I also knew that if I walked out that door I was done. That was it. Never again. And I knew with every fiber of my being that he wouldn't be. That maybe not the next day or the following but sometime within the week he would be calling to apologize. To tell me he was wrong And that he was sorry. To tell me that he loved me and he wanted no one else. I also knew that if I walked out that door and he called me I wouldn't pick up. I wouldn't look back because we had already broken up once. Once was my limit.
I started packing bags while we continued to fight and I cried and cried and then at one point it just snapped. He looked at me and apologized and said that it had all gotten out of hand, that he didn't know how it went this far. He was mad the entire day about our fight and had convinced himself that it would be better if we were apart. That I would be happier if we weren't together. But I wouldn't have and I clearly wasn't. So we decided that was it enough was enough. We couldn't be having these fights and that was it. We talked about what happened and how we felt and what we wanted out of the relationship. We kissed and he held me and then we made dinner together and went on with our night.
Cut to a week or so later. I was really happy because my 21 day fix came in the mail. Being in an office environment had gained me 10lbs and being on Xarelto twice a day for 21 days had gained me an additional 10lbs. So my friend who is a beach body coach told me about the 21 day fix. I thought this was exactly what I need. It's got an eating plan and a workout and it's supposed to help you lose at least 15lbs if you stick to everything and do it. Well my aunt asked me how old I was going to be this year and I realized I'm going to be 29...
This blog has been open for a year now. One entire year had gotten away from me that quickly. I felt like I was punched in the throat. I would be 29. Unmarried, without children, not living with my boyfriend or even engaged, no set career, no house, not even an apartment. I was blasted by the thought that 30 is now even closer. Right around the corner and I wasn't ready for it. I'm not ready for it.
