A Fit Life Light Burns Bright

I had a great Mud run and I managed to snag a job and I will tell you all about that in good time but right now I want to write about something really important to me.

I don't often think of myself as pretty. I think I've always had a pretty low level of self esteem and self worth. Actually I can honestly say that I know I always have. It's often hard for me to look at myself next to someone else and not make comparisons. I have an issue with my nose, the dark family granted dark circles around my eyes, my smile, my wish they were bigger itty bitty boobs, the thickness of my middle, the shape of my stomach, the broadness of my back, the girth of my arms and the cushion on my bottom. I used to be really heavy. And I also got made fun of a ton in school growing up. At my thinest I was 21, skateboarding and basically eating only one meal. Even then I wasn't happy with myself. I don't know if I ever will feel 100% about my image. I can't say that anything in my life will change me for the better mentally, but looking at candid pictures of myself from Rugged Manic it hit me.

I have a wide frame. Even if I lost all the weight in the world I don't know if that would go away, and even if it did I don't know that I'd be happy with it. I know I can't always be a clean eater, and the diet I was on basically went out the window when summer came in. I'll never be the one at the gym everyday and I don't know if I will ever get the hang of breathing when I work out.

However I know one thing, in my life currently, one of the greatest things is working out. When I'm at CKO and I can block all the other girls out around me, focus on my bag and commit to the workout it's one of the best feelings. Every time I haven't been in a while and I return I get this surge of emotion within me. Its part realization of how much I love working out with a bag and part regret for not going more often. And it has opened my eyes to the possibility of  being content with myself. I am 141 lbs and honestly I'm really kind of happy about that. The instructors are constantly evolving or changing and it keeps you on your toes. I also love the extra 30 min sessions Ben and Megan give. CKO gave me something to harness my emotions when I needed it most. I don't know if I could ever express quite what the meant for me. It gave me a way to survive when I felt I had none and it made me realize the potential I always had buried inside me. It also brought into my life people that I never before would have had the courage or desire to interact with.

Now I have this great group of people, Camp Core, who support me and believe in me.

When I first took a class with Vinny I was nervous. Here was this hunk of guy who I was going to work out in front of. Me, who doesn't even really like her boyfriend to see her during a work out. I was dismayed. I took the class and it was great but I was still nervous. Then one day I happened to be in front of CKO waiting for it to open and there he was again. The shine and fear was off, he was just a guy with a smile who struck a conversation with me. I found myself wanting to take his class. And when I showed he remembered my face and my name. He called me out in class and it drove me forward. I started to want to take his class. I looked forward to the three slap end of class bag tradition. Looked forward to his positive energy, his music, his jokes. I was no longer worried about working out in front of him. I realized he was this awesome spiritual person, who was also crazy talented, but he was just as invested in teaching the class as we were in taking it.

When I first took a class with Sasha I wasn't sure what to think. After being in a male dominated CKO instructor experience I was thrown by the way she ran her class. Her voice wasn't any softer, her energy wasn't any lower, her workouts weren't any less, in fact they were more. More concentrated, more intense in ways, more interesting. I think honestly I was on the fence about her as an instructor because she was a woman. Men tend to be more forgiving and I think I was mostly afraid of being judged. Here was this petite, well sculpted woman and here I was all pudge and gasps for breath. However instead of running off and hiding I stuck it out. I took more classes with her, although not as many as I wish I had. I learned some wonderful and interesting methods of working out. And I got to meet a wonderful person. She is intense but in a totally good way. And she pushes you forward without making you doubt your ability or yourself.

When I first took a class next to Dana I was intimidated. Here was this amazing looking girl working out next to me making me look ever the novice. She was thin and fit and never seemed to look bad even after an hour class of taking it to the bag with more power and energy then I could even muster. I wanted a body like hers and wondered if she had always been so perfect. As I took more classes beside her I found her energy a boost to my own and her drive helped me in class when I felt I had none left. Then I got to know her a bit more and got to see how great of a person she is. I realized that she loved fatty foods and had her own self image issues, even though I always think she looks pretty amazing. But genuinely I realized that she is a sweet person and honestly believes in you and that is such an amazing feeling. To know that someone, more then one someone has that belief. That you can be anything you set your mind to. In this day when most people are nothing but negative here are these three wonderful people trying to be every kind of positive.

I love that about Core. Even though I can't get to it as often as I like, it's refreshing to knowing that when I do go they will be there to greet me openly without judgement.

Even the people I take Core with, wether I have met them before or not, are cool people who are there for the same reason as I am. They strike up conversations easily and the general tone is laid back.

And if it wasn't for those three, even though I definitely could not keep up with them, I would have never had as amazing as a time as I had at Rugged Maniac. I felt like I was part of something, like I belong and it was really nice.

I may never be 100% happy with my image. I may never be as thin as I have always desired. I may always find a way to put myself down or find myself lacking but I know this: I have never been able to say that I was a person who loved working out...But all that has changed.


Your MIND may quote the negative
Your BODY may feel weak
But there is nothing as powerful as your SPIRIT
to help you to compete

The Way of the World

So tomorrow is the day. I'm participating in Rugged Maniac as part of Team Core. I couldn't be happier! We even have team tank tops for girls and sleeveless shirts for the guys. We are going to look impressive.

My mom decided she wanted to be a spectator so she is coming along. I have mixed feelings about it. First I'm happy and excited my mom wants to come see me accomplish this. It kind of makes me feel like a kid, wanting to show my mom what I can do, have her be proud of me. On the other hand I'm worried because that means she'll be alone majority of the day and I'll feel guilty. Then of course I'm worried how I may look to the team members bringing along my mom. Will they think less of me? Find me immature? But then, I love my mom, even if we have our issues I like sharing parts of my life and experiences with her. However I also don't want her to feel as though she's a third wheel...So yeah. Many mixed feelings on the subject.

I'm excited for the run but I'm also really nervous. I was nervous at Mudderella as well but at least with that I ended up starting by myself so I didn't really have to keep up with anyone. I worry that the group might be too big for me to click with anyone in particular but then I also worry I may not be quite as in shape as everyone else to truly live up to the challenge of being in the pack rather then behind it. Either way, I guess we shall see.

As excited as I am to be participating in this run I'm also rather bummed about it. Right this very second, as I type these words, my boyfriend and a large group of our friends are out on a weekend camping trip. A camping trip I would be at as well if it weren't for the $86 ticket I purchased and the absolutely no refund policy of Rugged Maniac. Originally the boyfriend and I were invited to the trip but he wasn't going to be able to get off of work so I decided not to go either. Sleeping alone, in a dark tent, in the forest with all the sounds of the night and all the creepy crawlies is not something I'm confident enough to do. However his work position and schedule changed recently and he was able to go. Sadly. Obviously. I was not. So now they are all out there, drinking, laughing and enjoying one another's company and I sit here in my room. Sad and alone. 

Although I'm very happy the boyfriend got to go, I miss him. I also miss the opportunity to spend time with him and our friends. Hopefully he will have an excellent time. He really and truly deserves it. On the bright side he's on vacation all next week and I already set my time aside to spend it with him. We are supposed to head up to his parents house in jersey and enjoy the sun and the sand. Beaches, booze and snuggles. What could be better?  

On Sunday I have a fun brunch planned with my best friend of 14+ years and a newer close friend who I have known for just as long. We went to elementary school together but lost touch for a while. Now we are closer then we have ever been. So the three of us are set to enjoy some eggs, some mimosas and some time reminiscing. I made the reservation and we are all set to meet at a place that (fingers crossed) still has an unlimited drink menu.

So hopefully I will be far to busy in the next two days to have any time to be disappointed about my inability to go camping. Even if that does mean I'm missing out on all the sangria and s'mores.