Things are moving along quite nicely.

So bridesmaids dresses have been purchased. Flowers have been purchased. Guest book has been created and purchased. Invites have been sent. And we have 99 days to go!!

I finally settled and ordered dresses for the flower girls even though that was quite a situation. I ended up getting into arguments with their mother on more then one occasion and as heart breaking as it is for me to admit, I think due to this, our relationship has been forever affected in a negative manner. But since what is done is done and I don't want to wade in it any longer I am happy to say they came in the mail the other day and they are beautiful.

We are getting RSVP's in the mail and its the most exciting thing. I figured out time line with the photographer for the most part. So now I just have to notify my make-up artist and hair stylist. My bridal shower will be happening soon and I have to figure out what and when I want to do my bachelorette party.

I've decided to make cookies as favors so I have to start that the moment the cutter comes in. And I want to make headbands for the theme photo so I have to get on that as well.

I feel as though I have all the time in the world and absolutely no time at all.

Aside from wedding business the fiancé and I are in the process of buying his brother out of his share of the house and re-mortgaging it under ourselves.

No one tells you when you get engaged what the year or so up to the wedding is going to look like. They discuss possible fights between you and your love but then don't touch upon everything else.

Like the strike of realization that everything in your life is going to change, and drastically. You will be gaining a new name which you have to legally change. You will be moving (either in with him or to your own place). You will suddenly realize just how much crap you own and wonder how the hell you will get it to fit in your new place. You will wonder if you can even be a good wife or mother. And you may very well have a panic attack or break down or two or three when it all weighs down on you. When that happens all you can do is take a breath. It's perfectly normal and okay. As long as there is never a doubt in your mind that this is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, you will manage and survive.

You will be okay. Take it one day at a time. One step forward, one moment following the next. Be excited, don't like all the crazy, the fear, the nerves or the people bring you down.

99 Days To Go. Hope it all goes well.

Getting Married is a whirlwind...

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows like you’ve been made to believe. It is hard work. It is decision after decision and stress. It’s working more days and hours to make sure you have the money to afford it. Its nights of feeling just exhausted from it all. The fiancé and I both agree that though we will enjoy the actual day we cannot wait for it all to be over.  The planning, the decisions, the extra hours. Things have been moving along alright. We have officially booked our Photographer and videographer. We are in decision with the DJ. We have paid the second installment on the venue and we even went to a bridal show…though it was on a severe lack of sleep.

I have decided on the bridesmaids dresses which we are going for a fitting for on the 19^th. I have picked and booked the Makeup and Hair. We blocked the rooms at the hotel along with setting up an after party at the Hotel as well. I’ve ordered the invites and a stamp with our return address for the invites.

So we are moving along quite nicely. However I can honestly say planning to get married is the most stressful thing. Not the payments, not preparing to share my life with the fiancé, not even the fact that it’s in approximately 5 months. What’s stressful is everyone else. Its coordinating days off with appointments needed. It’s everyone expecting specific times and dates from you. Its people asking for things before you even have them. Its people constantly asking you questions. Its people constantly having opinions they want to force down your throat about what you are, should or shouldn’t be doing.

I have gone far lengths to try and ensure my bridal party doesn’t pay too much for services the day of the wedding. Unfortunately when you connect wedding to anything the price skyrockets. So of course I was stressing myself out to the point of crying worrying about what they would have to pay. And as it is one of my girls felt it was too much to spend but instead of telling me outright I had to hear through someone else that she was not going to go with the services. Which honestly I totally understand and don’t mind, except for the fact that though I sent her multiple texts she never reached out to tell me herself. Then on top of that my flower girl’s mother is driving me slightly batty. I was driving myself crazy trying to save her money in any way possible due to the fact that the girls are flower girls from my cousins wedding this same year, as well as the little one is having her communion. I figured, two birds one stone, her mother could just use her dress twice with a sash I would purchase from the same company that my bridesmaids will be purchasing their dresses. However no matter how many times I have said that she won’t tell me yes or no.

Honestly stress wise I haven’t been too terribly bad but every time she texts me I get super stressed. And I understand for her maybe it is a constant thought but quite frankly, considering my bridesmaids don’t even have their dresses yet, and invites haven’t even been sent yet, what the girls are going to be wearing is the least of my worries. Not to mention the fact that these girls grow, and they grow quick. So I know that buying them a dress too early would not work so I just don’t have it in me to worry about it at this moment. So I sent their mother the link to the place where I am getting the bridesmaids dresses. I hadn’t originally wanted too because it’s costly but due to the fact that she seems intent on knowing something now I figured she could look at them online and if she liked them then that is what they will be getting.

Anyway the closer it gets to the wedding the happier I am about getting married to my best friend but also the more stressful things seem to get. And on top of it we are both trying to study for exams to further or careers, as well as my birthday is steadily approaching. Two years ago I started this journey to 30 and it’s going to soon be upon me.

So many life changes within two years and so many to come. Honestly I cannot wait.      

Nothing is ever as you picture it...but that's not necessarily a Bad Thing.

I have tried to write and re-write this post to no avail. It's been quite a busy and difficult few weeks. So much has happened.  

We got the engagement photos done…that morning we got into a fight about how I seemed to care more and put more into the photos then I have our wedding. It was unexpected and a bit of a blow out. So there were tears and slight hysterics on my side and then we resolved it and went for pictures. Honestly I don’t really like most of them. My eyes are wonky and I had wanted to wear a different outfit but hadn't. It was brisk and chilly so last minute I had to add a jacket that i think probably totally clashes with the rest of what I was wearing. My vision of what I wanted and the vision of our photographer were very different. So not to say that none of the pictures came out well, they all came out beautiful on the photographers end but they just weren’t what I had envisioned. 

Weddings. Marriage. These are things I’ve imagined throughout my childhood. They are things that I’ve pictured throughout our lengthy relationship. Unfortunately all the things you imagine well they tend to leave unrealistic ideas in your head. And these ideas take hold and you cant seem to escape them. The problem with these ideas is that they leave you wanting or disappointed. So I got emotional and then I got over it. 

What's done is done. Besides our photographer was and is an amazing photographer regardless of our art styles being different. Also he’s a family friend of the fiancé.

  

In other news, regarding the venue. The fiancé and I went to two different venues and one of them was Benmarl vineyard, a place that had been at for a wine tasting that I fell in love with. Like seriously over the moon, head over heels, heart swelled, blinded by it, in love. We were supposed to meet with Casey Erdmann but ended up missing her and getting showed around by Kathleen, one of the residents and owners of the vineyard. I felt welcome, I felt home. The time we had with her went smoothly and I knew I wanted, needed to get married at this venue. They understood what I wanted, a focus on family and celebration. And who could say no to that view? Unfortunately when it came down to available dates we would either have to rush to get everything done to try to get the last available date or we would have to push off our wedding until 2017. Both of which were things I didn’t want to do.

The other venue was Brotherhood winery. Also beautiful but in a much different respect. However I knew it wasn't the place for me. I wanted Benmarl.

So once again I was very emotional and I kicked and dragged my feet. I had a bunch of different crazy ideas to try and make it work. I had a phone consultation with one of the caterers that the Benmarl gave us, Pamela's Traveling Feast. They were amazing. I loved Pamela and we seemed to be on the same page. She seemed to understand exactly what I wanted and was so helpful. I was hopeful.

At least until I wrote down all the fees and tallied them up. It was way over our budget. Like by at least 15,000. Talking to the fiance only solidified the fact that with rentals and the bar it was just too far out of our price range. I was heart broken. I was upset, I was fustrated. I let myself morn my hearts desire. Many people told me I could put off my wedding and save up for it but I knew two things with all certainty. Firstly, no matter how long we save up for it neither one of us would feel good spending so much money one one day. And secondly and most importantly, I did not want to put off marrying my fiance for one more day.    

So we were back at square one.

On Friday November 20th I went to the ER. Took an ambulance from a Key food. I was feeling short of breath and worried sick that I had another issue with my blood clots. They ran a bunch of tests, told me I needed a Echocardiogram and asked if I wanted to be admitted. Apperently I had just had a panic attack so the attending said it wasn't necessary but the Echo was. So knowing that we had an appointment with a venue Saturday I was cleared and discharged from the hospital under the firm direction that I get an Echo no later then Monday the 23rd. So the fiance took me home and we went to bed.

On Saturday we went to the venue more because I insisted then anything. I was nauseous, I was anxious. I almost had another panic attack in the Walmart we stopped at to blow time in while we waited for the appointment because we got there early. The fiance said we should cancel but again I insisted we keep our appointment. So we did and it went alright but my heart was filled with dread. I did not like this venue. I feared I'd never like a venue again. They were all the same. Huge gaudy chandeliers and huge cocktail and Venetian hours that I didn't want to have to pay for. I just wasn't feeling it. We told them we would get back to them and left.

We drove to Queens to have dinner with my cousins and then we were supposed to go to the casino for my cousin's birthday celebration. I made it through dinner. That was it. My anxiety got so bad we had to go back home. My heart was beating like a drum and I felt short of breath again. Cut to the week following, I took off work on Monday to go to different Doctors appts and get my Echo. Which if you are wondering came out fine. Absolutely negative of any real issue, thankfully. But then Tuesday I realized I had gotten sick. My nose was congested so I couldn't breath through it and I had chest congestion so I felt as though I couldn't swallow. I was fine during work but when I got home I had a mini panic attack where my mom had to talk me through to realize I could breath. I was going to take over the counter medication but first my PCP said I was to avoid caffeine for a week and second the box said may cause nervousness and I was dealing with enough anxiety. So my mom put me under a towel and over a pot of boiled water with Vicks on my nose.

Eventually the sickness faded and my anxiety dissipated. Then this Saturday, the one following Thanksgiving, we had another appointment at a different Venue. I went in trying not to be disappointed. The women we met with was so nice and when she told me all children under 7 are free I was feeling sold. My family is very important to me and alot of that family has kids and I was hoping to have them all at my wedding. After talking menu she brought us to the different rooms. Room number one was what I had been dreading. Same cookie cutter room you find in any venue. But when she bought us to the second room I was floored. It has a patio and when we went out it was breathtaking. We walked back into the room and I almost cried. I knew that moment. I wanted our wedding there.

The fiance knew this was the place too. He looked at my with the smile I couldn't wipe from my face and knew I wanted it. We made our decision there. She brought us upstairs and gave us dates. Of course with our luck the closer dates were cheaper so though I hadn't originally wanted a date so soon we picked one that fit into our budget and price range. My heart swelled. We booked the place and set the date July 1st, 2016. Exactly a year and 4 days from when we got engaged. Now it feels as though a weight has lifted. I couldn't stop bouncing and to this day, as I write this, I'm still full of excitement.

People are trying to get in. They are trying to stress us out and make us worry that our wedding is in just 7 short months. However we are doing our best to stick together and stick strong. What matters most is that we will be married. I will be Mrs and him my Mr. I am overwhelmed with Joy for it all. I know everything else will fall into place and if it doesn't I will enjoy all the crazy moments by his side. I couldn't be happier or more in love.

Nerves, Photoshoots, Idols and birthdays.

When I last left you I hadn't made much way in planning my wedding with the Fiancé and well we still haven't made any headway. Come the 26th I will have been engaged for four months and besides colors the only thing we have going on is we set up the engagement shoot. Or rather he did. 

Anyway as excited as I am for it I'm also super nervous. I'm so worried at how they are going to come out. Like what if we look stiff and posed. And quite frankly my favorite look is when you are caught off guard. Those are always the best photos, the candid kind. So I guess we shall see. It all depends on the photographer who happens to be a family friend.

I'm really hoping the weather is going to hold up and we won't have to wear parkas. But now the most prominent  thought in my head is what in the world should I wear?? And also how well can I apply makeup to not look like I'm trying too hard?

I'm not one who usually wears any makeup at all. And when I do it's usually just a bit of mascara, some eyeshadow, blush and a colored Chapstick.

This is however an important day and moment and I'm really hoping to manage an outfit and look that still are me without being plain Jane.  

Speaking of Jane, Netflix recently loaded the first season of Jane the Virgin and I'm absolutely loving it!!! If you haven't seen it yet go check it out. It is worth the watch. 

In other news the fiancé and I went to comic con and I met one of my idol's Nathan Fillion. I held it together when I shook his hand and when he said my name. He signed a Malcolm Reynolds  figure I brought from Firefly and I even held it together enough to say goodbye and turn around. The minute I did though I totally broke down. I was just hugging the figure like a teddy bear, tears streaming down my face as I tried to catch my breath. Honestly I didn't know how to feel. It was one of the most amazing moments. 

We had a wonderful day and then my sister called that night to tell me that my cousin who was supposed to go with her to Comic Con on Sunday cancelled and then I got to go again. 

As much as I was originally slightly dreading it because I was so exhausted from the day before I'm so glad I went. I got a hopefully awesome present for the fiancé which I won't reveal just yet. And we got to meet one of my sisters idols and she even got a picture with him. She had much the same reaction as I did.

It was a really great time. 

Well the fiancé's birthday is tomorrow and our pictures are hopefully Saturday. So wish me luck with them both!! 

Fairytales never resemble reality.

When I was younger then I am today I day dreamed of my wedding. I always pictured that my fiancé would be as excited about it as I was. He would be into taking pictures together and planning things out. I pictured him making decisions and wanting to do everything together. Venue shopping, food tasting, haggling. Funny thing is? I never really dated any guys that fit that mold. 

And now, today, being engaged as I am I still don't have that guy. My fiancé is great but he's the finance guru. He's the love of my life that wants to bend over backwards for me while not breaking the bank. He's the type of guy who, though he wants to get married, complains about every little detail. How many people we're inviting, how much it's all going to cost, how annoying it is and how it's so much like work, how we should just elope. 

Now let me be real with you for a moment here, being engaged is tuff. There are the small disagreements turned arguments, the stress of feeling like you will never figure things out, worrying that what you want won't be what your fiancé wants, rethinking it all in your head and honestly considering saying screw it and not doing anything at all.

Now I'm not saying being engaged is not exciting. I do love it. I love having a fiancé and being away from him always sucks. However when we are together, quite frankly, there are more enjoyable things to do then stress about a wedding.

Which is probably why, three months in, and we haven't made any real decision beside colors. So what are you to do when it all feels like just a little too much?

The fiancé and I are going to-hopefully- go to the SNL exhibition on Friday and then we have made plans to really make some decisions on Sunday.

Thing is, I have been waiting my whole life for this. For the planning, for the wedding, mostly for everything that comes with it. Being a wife and living with my husband. But when you are finally in it sometimes things just don't equal up to what you imagined. Now it's a good thing because most of what you dreamed of was probably a tad unrealistic but it's also slightly earth shattering when you realize it. When you are face to face with your gift horse and you have no idea how to ride it.

I realize that I don't really know what I want. And the things I do want are pretty expensive and out of budget. Also seeing as my fiancé is very cost conscious I find myself wondering if I skipped it would I ever miss it?

But I know I would. That day doesn't mean to me what it means to a lot of other people. It's not about status or image. It's not about showing up anyone or living out some fantasy I've had since I was a kid. It's about being with the ones I love. It's about making a pact and promise to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with in front of all those close to us. It's about celebrating our love with all our friends and families and just having a great big party.

After 7 years, after all the ups and downs and twists and turns. After all the obstacles and issues we have overcome in choosing to love and be with one another. This is our moment. And I for one think we deserve it. No matter what we end up deciding, no matter how much the day ends up resembling or not resembling what I'd imagined, no matter how much it actually takes out of us. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the man I want to spend my life with. My partner, my best friend, my one and only. And in the end, even with all the stress of it all, I think it will be worth it. By leaps and bounds.

For the fun of it. A day in the life of my hair.

My hair right when I woke up. I had washed and blow dried it the night before but this is what it looked like when I woke up. 

I decided it need to be straighted. So I did that.

Then I went to walk the dog and was greeted by this as I walked out the door:

Rainy day central. So of course when I came back from walking the dog. 

Then it was back outside to head to work. Where I saw a rainbow. 

And then I descended into the subway which was muggy as all hell.

By the time I got to work and and sat for breakfast I had this going on.

So I ran some water through it.

Much better. But then the day went on. This is mid afternoon. Once the water dried and my hair settled.

And then of course end of day came. And the rain hadn't stopped. Here's me on the bus.

And then I went out for drinks with a friend so I had to make it look a bit more kept.

Walking home from the night it looked like this.

And of course after getting home pre shower it had grown a sort of volume unknown to man.

And post shower before bed this is the last way it decided to lay. 

Such are the trails and tribulations of curly hair and when I wake up the next morning it's starts again...

You’re Engaged…Now What?

So it’s officially been a little over 2 months that we have been engaged. I don’t know what I originally imagined it to be like. However I can tell you for certain it fills you with so many different emotions. First there is this insane sort of happiness. Like an eternal giddiness with life and the fiancé. But then there is also this fear. It’s not quite deep rooted, just sort of coating the surface at times. I’m left suddenly nervous and a tad anxious. Can I actually do this? Will I be a good wife? What if I fail at it? What if a suck at being a mother? What if I can’t hack it?

Those moments are scary and though I don’t often share them, when I do, the fiancé always reassures me that we will succeed. That we will make the best out of what life has given us and we will ride this wave together. We have been through so much. And through it all, good and bad we have stood together and overcome.

Then of course there is the slight stress of planning this event with all that it entails. Who to invite, who you have to exclude, where the money will come from, where you are to live. All these unknowns could drown you if you allow them too. The fiancé tends to over stress it all. I try to bring him back around to me. We are not the type of people who will plan outside our means. Nor are we the type that care about every little minute detail.

It has caused much discussion among friends, family and the odd stranger. They don’t understand why we haven’t posted it all over social media. (A personal decision for us) They don’t understand how we don’t have a specific date chosen. Don’t understand how I’m not speaking about the upcoming nuptials with every breath I take and shimmering eyes filled with all the wonder I can imagine. I have even been told that what they were getting from me was that I didn’t want a wedding at all because I didn’t care about what venue or time of year the wedding occurred.

What they don’t seem to understand, what a lot of people don’t seem to understand is my entire life I have had one serious goal. Judge me however you will after my next comment, but all I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother. I may have written about this before but I can’t quite recall so maybe you can’t either. But I had always wanted to be married with children by now. I had a close moment there in college with my first love but it was a difficult and fairly toxic relationship that we could just never make work. No matter how much we desired to make it so. So for me, after living through all that. After meeting my fiancé, my best friend and partner, after fighting tooth and nail for this relationship and growing besides this person that I couldn’t even see myself living without, the wedding just doesn’t matter to me as much as the marriage does. As much as the act of promising ourselves to one another in front of all our friends and family.

If you are engaged, have been engaged or are on the path to getting engaged I can tell you, at least from what I have encountered, everyone wants to discuss and give you advice about the wedding. What you should or shouldn’t do. How much you should actually spend, who to invite or not invite, how to handle the actual day, or what the actual day should be like. Very few and I mean a rare few will actually want or give you advice about the actual MARRIAGE. Which boggles my mind. That is the most important part of the day. Or at least it should be. It will be. For me.

Another difficult part of being engaged at the moment is that though the fiancé and I have been together for 7 years (this past 30^th of august) he didn’t propose to me until now. This unfortunately for us comes a few months after my cousin proposed to his fiancé. The mother of his two children, who he has been with for 5 years now. Also having always wanted a fall wedding we are stuck with the fact that my cousin and his fiancé have already picked Autumn for their wedding. In 2016.

So now I am suck feeling quite at war with myself. I don’t want either wedding to be less special or less important to either of us. I don’t want to land a date before them and seem like I’m attempting to beat them. I don’t want to pick a date directly after them and seem second fiddle. Then you have two bridal showers, and to boot I’m one of her bridesmaids. So that means I have to plan my own wedding while making myself present for her and all the planning of her wedding. And I want to be included in her wedding but that is now an added stress on my plate because it cuts into the cost of my budget out of my own wedding. Then there is the fact that having been in a relationship with my fiancé for as long as I have I have already imagined my procession down the aisle. I have always imagined it including my two younger cousins as my flower girls and my cousin and his fiancé’s sons as my ring bearers. Exactly what she has also recently decided.  

So honestly it does sometimes hurt my heart. Knowing that they already have their life together and my fiancé and I haven’t even begun ours and the possibility of having to push that life further behind to not step on toes gets a bit overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point sometimes of making me not even want to have a wedding. That coupled with the fiancés worries about finances and knowing I don’t have as much to input into the wedding as he will… well sometimes it seeps into me and makes my stomach turn.

I try to be positive. Because this is the Man I want to spend my life with. And if there is something I have learned from this life it is that I never get what I want. What I get is everything. It’s amazing and I couldn’t be more grateful but it’s never what I planned or imagined. Maybe that is a good thing…but sometimes it does seem as if things in life are against me. I know here come little miss melodrama, who let her in? We don’t want what she is selling.

I know.

Sometimes it just feels nice to let the bitter sink into your tongue. Let it soak all of you and allow yourself to wallow in it. I’m not doing that now though, or today. Also I’ve been determined to not do it at all in general anymore.

However there are all those obstacles. Obstacles on top of trying to figure out what to do living situation wise, as well as finding time to actually do any planning. We’ve talked about some things. Chosen our colors and such but nothing finite and most specifically nothing definite. No venue or date. Haven’t even nailed down guest lists. I also want to do professional photos. Have always wanted engagement photos to put on the save the dates and such but that is a task as well. Finding the time and the money, let alone the photographer. The fiancé is also not really the excited ‘let’s do it all type’. I’m aware some of you don’t think that guy exists but I promise you he does. I’ve seen him, heard about him and interacted with such a man. A man who has ideas about his own wedding and wants to plan fun or crazy things, who is excited about getting to take photos with the one he loves. Anyway that Man is not the guy I am marrying so I guess getting super pumped to go forward with planning the wedding is a bit difficult. Not that the fiancé isn’t happy or excited to be engaged he is…though lately I think the stress has been eating at him a tad because he’s been a bit curt. Never the less engagements can be wonderful. Mine definitely has been, obstacles and all.

As dreary as this post seemed to get at the end there, I really am beyond excited to be engaged to the love of my life. And we will - one of these days - actually manage to plan some things out. I think we are just going to let the venue we book dictate our wedding date. I think we shall just pick from whatever days they have available and essentially just let the universe decide. I mean we got engaged in outer space so who better then to hand the reigns over to. Anyway I am off for the night, remember:

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” ~Anonymous