Nerves, Photoshoots, Idols and birthdays.

When I last left you I hadn't made much way in planning my wedding with the Fiancé and well we still haven't made any headway. Come the 26th I will have been engaged for four months and besides colors the only thing we have going on is we set up the engagement shoot. Or rather he did. 

Anyway as excited as I am for it I'm also super nervous. I'm so worried at how they are going to come out. Like what if we look stiff and posed. And quite frankly my favorite look is when you are caught off guard. Those are always the best photos, the candid kind. So I guess we shall see. It all depends on the photographer who happens to be a family friend.

I'm really hoping the weather is going to hold up and we won't have to wear parkas. But now the most prominent  thought in my head is what in the world should I wear?? And also how well can I apply makeup to not look like I'm trying too hard?

I'm not one who usually wears any makeup at all. And when I do it's usually just a bit of mascara, some eyeshadow, blush and a colored Chapstick.

This is however an important day and moment and I'm really hoping to manage an outfit and look that still are me without being plain Jane.  

Speaking of Jane, Netflix recently loaded the first season of Jane the Virgin and I'm absolutely loving it!!! If you haven't seen it yet go check it out. It is worth the watch. 

In other news the fiancé and I went to comic con and I met one of my idol's Nathan Fillion. I held it together when I shook his hand and when he said my name. He signed a Malcolm Reynolds  figure I brought from Firefly and I even held it together enough to say goodbye and turn around. The minute I did though I totally broke down. I was just hugging the figure like a teddy bear, tears streaming down my face as I tried to catch my breath. Honestly I didn't know how to feel. It was one of the most amazing moments. 

We had a wonderful day and then my sister called that night to tell me that my cousin who was supposed to go with her to Comic Con on Sunday cancelled and then I got to go again. 

As much as I was originally slightly dreading it because I was so exhausted from the day before I'm so glad I went. I got a hopefully awesome present for the fiancé which I won't reveal just yet. And we got to meet one of my sisters idols and she even got a picture with him. She had much the same reaction as I did.

It was a really great time. 

Well the fiancé's birthday is tomorrow and our pictures are hopefully Saturday. So wish me luck with them both!! 

Fairytales never resemble reality.

When I was younger then I am today I day dreamed of my wedding. I always pictured that my fiancé would be as excited about it as I was. He would be into taking pictures together and planning things out. I pictured him making decisions and wanting to do everything together. Venue shopping, food tasting, haggling. Funny thing is? I never really dated any guys that fit that mold. 

And now, today, being engaged as I am I still don't have that guy. My fiancé is great but he's the finance guru. He's the love of my life that wants to bend over backwards for me while not breaking the bank. He's the type of guy who, though he wants to get married, complains about every little detail. How many people we're inviting, how much it's all going to cost, how annoying it is and how it's so much like work, how we should just elope. 

Now let me be real with you for a moment here, being engaged is tuff. There are the small disagreements turned arguments, the stress of feeling like you will never figure things out, worrying that what you want won't be what your fiancé wants, rethinking it all in your head and honestly considering saying screw it and not doing anything at all.

Now I'm not saying being engaged is not exciting. I do love it. I love having a fiancé and being away from him always sucks. However when we are together, quite frankly, there are more enjoyable things to do then stress about a wedding.

Which is probably why, three months in, and we haven't made any real decision beside colors. So what are you to do when it all feels like just a little too much?

The fiancé and I are going to-hopefully- go to the SNL exhibition on Friday and then we have made plans to really make some decisions on Sunday.

Thing is, I have been waiting my whole life for this. For the planning, for the wedding, mostly for everything that comes with it. Being a wife and living with my husband. But when you are finally in it sometimes things just don't equal up to what you imagined. Now it's a good thing because most of what you dreamed of was probably a tad unrealistic but it's also slightly earth shattering when you realize it. When you are face to face with your gift horse and you have no idea how to ride it.

I realize that I don't really know what I want. And the things I do want are pretty expensive and out of budget. Also seeing as my fiancé is very cost conscious I find myself wondering if I skipped it would I ever miss it?

But I know I would. That day doesn't mean to me what it means to a lot of other people. It's not about status or image. It's not about showing up anyone or living out some fantasy I've had since I was a kid. It's about being with the ones I love. It's about making a pact and promise to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with in front of all those close to us. It's about celebrating our love with all our friends and families and just having a great big party.

After 7 years, after all the ups and downs and twists and turns. After all the obstacles and issues we have overcome in choosing to love and be with one another. This is our moment. And I for one think we deserve it. No matter what we end up deciding, no matter how much the day ends up resembling or not resembling what I'd imagined, no matter how much it actually takes out of us. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the man I want to spend my life with. My partner, my best friend, my one and only. And in the end, even with all the stress of it all, I think it will be worth it. By leaps and bounds.

For the fun of it. A day in the life of my hair.

My hair right when I woke up. I had washed and blow dried it the night before but this is what it looked like when I woke up. 

I decided it need to be straighted. So I did that.

Then I went to walk the dog and was greeted by this as I walked out the door:

Rainy day central. So of course when I came back from walking the dog. 

Then it was back outside to head to work. Where I saw a rainbow. 

And then I descended into the subway which was muggy as all hell.

By the time I got to work and and sat for breakfast I had this going on.

So I ran some water through it.

Much better. But then the day went on. This is mid afternoon. Once the water dried and my hair settled.

And then of course end of day came. And the rain hadn't stopped. Here's me on the bus.

And then I went out for drinks with a friend so I had to make it look a bit more kept.

Walking home from the night it looked like this.

And of course after getting home pre shower it had grown a sort of volume unknown to man.

And post shower before bed this is the last way it decided to lay. 

Such are the trails and tribulations of curly hair and when I wake up the next morning it's starts again...

You’re Engaged…Now What?

So it’s officially been a little over 2 months that we have been engaged. I don’t know what I originally imagined it to be like. However I can tell you for certain it fills you with so many different emotions. First there is this insane sort of happiness. Like an eternal giddiness with life and the fiancé. But then there is also this fear. It’s not quite deep rooted, just sort of coating the surface at times. I’m left suddenly nervous and a tad anxious. Can I actually do this? Will I be a good wife? What if I fail at it? What if a suck at being a mother? What if I can’t hack it?

Those moments are scary and though I don’t often share them, when I do, the fiancé always reassures me that we will succeed. That we will make the best out of what life has given us and we will ride this wave together. We have been through so much. And through it all, good and bad we have stood together and overcome.

Then of course there is the slight stress of planning this event with all that it entails. Who to invite, who you have to exclude, where the money will come from, where you are to live. All these unknowns could drown you if you allow them too. The fiancé tends to over stress it all. I try to bring him back around to me. We are not the type of people who will plan outside our means. Nor are we the type that care about every little minute detail.

It has caused much discussion among friends, family and the odd stranger. They don’t understand why we haven’t posted it all over social media. (A personal decision for us) They don’t understand how we don’t have a specific date chosen. Don’t understand how I’m not speaking about the upcoming nuptials with every breath I take and shimmering eyes filled with all the wonder I can imagine. I have even been told that what they were getting from me was that I didn’t want a wedding at all because I didn’t care about what venue or time of year the wedding occurred.

What they don’t seem to understand, what a lot of people don’t seem to understand is my entire life I have had one serious goal. Judge me however you will after my next comment, but all I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother. I may have written about this before but I can’t quite recall so maybe you can’t either. But I had always wanted to be married with children by now. I had a close moment there in college with my first love but it was a difficult and fairly toxic relationship that we could just never make work. No matter how much we desired to make it so. So for me, after living through all that. After meeting my fiancé, my best friend and partner, after fighting tooth and nail for this relationship and growing besides this person that I couldn’t even see myself living without, the wedding just doesn’t matter to me as much as the marriage does. As much as the act of promising ourselves to one another in front of all our friends and family.

If you are engaged, have been engaged or are on the path to getting engaged I can tell you, at least from what I have encountered, everyone wants to discuss and give you advice about the wedding. What you should or shouldn’t do. How much you should actually spend, who to invite or not invite, how to handle the actual day, or what the actual day should be like. Very few and I mean a rare few will actually want or give you advice about the actual MARRIAGE. Which boggles my mind. That is the most important part of the day. Or at least it should be. It will be. For me.

Another difficult part of being engaged at the moment is that though the fiancé and I have been together for 7 years (this past 30^th of august) he didn’t propose to me until now. This unfortunately for us comes a few months after my cousin proposed to his fiancé. The mother of his two children, who he has been with for 5 years now. Also having always wanted a fall wedding we are stuck with the fact that my cousin and his fiancé have already picked Autumn for their wedding. In 2016.

So now I am suck feeling quite at war with myself. I don’t want either wedding to be less special or less important to either of us. I don’t want to land a date before them and seem like I’m attempting to beat them. I don’t want to pick a date directly after them and seem second fiddle. Then you have two bridal showers, and to boot I’m one of her bridesmaids. So that means I have to plan my own wedding while making myself present for her and all the planning of her wedding. And I want to be included in her wedding but that is now an added stress on my plate because it cuts into the cost of my budget out of my own wedding. Then there is the fact that having been in a relationship with my fiancé for as long as I have I have already imagined my procession down the aisle. I have always imagined it including my two younger cousins as my flower girls and my cousin and his fiancé’s sons as my ring bearers. Exactly what she has also recently decided.  

So honestly it does sometimes hurt my heart. Knowing that they already have their life together and my fiancé and I haven’t even begun ours and the possibility of having to push that life further behind to not step on toes gets a bit overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point sometimes of making me not even want to have a wedding. That coupled with the fiancés worries about finances and knowing I don’t have as much to input into the wedding as he will… well sometimes it seeps into me and makes my stomach turn.

I try to be positive. Because this is the Man I want to spend my life with. And if there is something I have learned from this life it is that I never get what I want. What I get is everything. It’s amazing and I couldn’t be more grateful but it’s never what I planned or imagined. Maybe that is a good thing…but sometimes it does seem as if things in life are against me. I know here come little miss melodrama, who let her in? We don’t want what she is selling.

I know.

Sometimes it just feels nice to let the bitter sink into your tongue. Let it soak all of you and allow yourself to wallow in it. I’m not doing that now though, or today. Also I’ve been determined to not do it at all in general anymore.

However there are all those obstacles. Obstacles on top of trying to figure out what to do living situation wise, as well as finding time to actually do any planning. We’ve talked about some things. Chosen our colors and such but nothing finite and most specifically nothing definite. No venue or date. Haven’t even nailed down guest lists. I also want to do professional photos. Have always wanted engagement photos to put on the save the dates and such but that is a task as well. Finding the time and the money, let alone the photographer. The fiancé is also not really the excited ‘let’s do it all type’. I’m aware some of you don’t think that guy exists but I promise you he does. I’ve seen him, heard about him and interacted with such a man. A man who has ideas about his own wedding and wants to plan fun or crazy things, who is excited about getting to take photos with the one he loves. Anyway that Man is not the guy I am marrying so I guess getting super pumped to go forward with planning the wedding is a bit difficult. Not that the fiancé isn’t happy or excited to be engaged he is…though lately I think the stress has been eating at him a tad because he’s been a bit curt. Never the less engagements can be wonderful. Mine definitely has been, obstacles and all.

As dreary as this post seemed to get at the end there, I really am beyond excited to be engaged to the love of my life. And we will - one of these days - actually manage to plan some things out. I think we are just going to let the venue we book dictate our wedding date. I think we shall just pick from whatever days they have available and essentially just let the universe decide. I mean we got engaged in outer space so who better then to hand the reigns over to. Anyway I am off for the night, remember:

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” ~Anonymous    

Did that just happen?

On June 26th at about 2:30pm I was under the stars of the Hayden planetarium dome listening to Neil Degrass Tysen speak about Dark matter when it happened. The boyfriend was sitting beside me, crinkling some plastic of sorts. Having not had breakfast or lunch I assumed he was fumbling with candy and was thinking about what I may have in my purse to ease his craving. As I went to lean over to tell him I had some Altoids and starburst to offer, he leaned in and my world changed. With a few words he asked and I accepted. In the dark room under the vast universe projected above he took my hand in his and went to slip the ring on my finger. Of course this was a task in the dark but I helped and slid it on. I cried. We kissed. And then we sat enjoying the show. I was surprised but my heart was full with so much joy I felt like I could burst.

Was it what I wanted or even expected? Not at all. But it was honest and sweet, private and romantic and totally made my day. And with that I was engaged. 

Engaged it's so weird to say. I've been wishing and hoping and waiting for this moment and now that it had arrived all I could do was beam. He chose me. He finally decided to commit. To me, to us, to our future.  

I called my mom to tell her, she was beyond excited and then we spent the rest of the day and the night together and it was bliss. 

But with every happy moment comes issues and the more people we told the more questions were asked or comments were made and the less shiny it all got.

Now hold on, I see you rolling your eyes, I'm not saying it was ruined, or that I'm no longer excited and filled with joy because that is not the case. I'm simply saying that I enjoyed being in our bubble just the two of us and that the more people told the harder it is to remain light and happy.

It's stressful. But we spoke and decided that first we weren't putting it on Facebook or Instagram and second that we were going to enjoy the bliss throughout the summer. We just want to enjoy being engaged before rushing straight into wedding dates and venues and guest lists. And I'm so happy to be sharing the rest of my life with this Man. This best friend of mine who understands me and wants to enjoy this time as much as me and understands why it's important to do so. I mean we have been dating for 7 years this August, I do believe we have earned that right. We've worked really hard in this relationship and are just going to do our best to block the world out and enjoy these days together, calling one another fiancé and snuggling in this happy moment in our lives, together.

29 and Not Feeling Fine

So it has been officially five days since my birthday. It wasn't as horrible as I had been thinking it would be. All of my family came over, as they do every year, for a celebration of my grandmother's birthday which is the day before mine. The boyfriend did have to work but he got to spend three hours at the house with my family and I'm very greatful for that. Then I spent the remainder of the day running the grills because I like to, I'm good at it, and my cousin who usually does it wasn't able to come do to work. By the end of the day I was fully drained with a massive headache. The boyfriend picked me up after he got out of work at 11:30 pm and brought me back to his place so I could wake up next to him on my birthday. He had work, but nevertheless took me out to brunch anyway and the food was phenomenal. The gifts he got me were right up my alley and I loved them.

Yes that is a Marvel Stark Industries jacket. Yes I am super enthralled by it. I'm so happy he found it for me.

The rest of my actual birthday also went well. We bought three slices of Bein me Sabe cake from a Venezuelan Resturant and I made it into a little makeshift cake and it was delicious.

Please note the recycling use of my baby cousins birthday candle because we had nothing else. But all in all it was a really nice day. 

Cut to Tuesday night, the boyfriend and I went to go see Jurassic World and I loved every minute of it. If you haven't seen it go now. It was really amazing. Then we went back to his house and everything was good until it wasn't.  

Honestly I can't even remember what it was about, the argument or fight or whatever it was but it was full of lots of tears on my side and a ton of frustration on his. I decided that we should take a week or two off of seeing one another which of course he disagreed with. My thought process was that if he doesn't see me for a week it will give him the time to think things through and decided what he wants from me, for us, and for the future. 

It's been a lot like that lately. Arguing and discussing things I don't want to discuss anymore. Things that have been so over discussed it's getting ridiculous. Like this morning for instance. Last night we had a great night...well except for one hormonally emotional part where I cried my eyes out mostly because I felt fat and like a total failure when it comes to eating right and working out and reaching my goal of not looking like I do. But anyway this morning all was well and then I mentioned the week off break thing and then it wasn't. 

He still disagrees and voiced that but I still think it would be good for us. Firstly for the reasons stated above but also for me. To take a break for the heart ache. To take a break from thinking every moment that I'm not enough. That this isn't working. The clock as I wrote in my last post is ticking and I'm feeling it in my throat. And quite frankly it's suffocating. Which I know is ironic because I'm the one who set the date. I can easily change it. I can decide to be with him forever even though I will never get what I want out of it. Will never feel satisfied or accomplished or worth enough to be someone that anyone could love enough to want forever. I could decide to live every moment with the uncertainty of wether or not I'll wake up feeling happy or totally broken...but quite frankly I don't want to do that. 

I love him so much. He is my everything. But I can't allow myself to lose all of me in this relationship. I can't allow myself to agree to feeling empty, angry and hurt on a 24/7 basis. And honestly it's a good thing. It wouldn't just be unfair to me. It would be unfair to both of us.

I know that there are some of you sitting reading this like really girl? Shut the hell up already about it. Some who are sitting there thinking you would probably not want to marry me either because I'm so much to handle. And I understand that. I do. I know I'm a lot to handle. But I'm not asking him to marry me tomorrow just soon. Or if it's not something he's ready for within the year to cut me lose. So I can wallow and cry and eat crap and lick my wounds and then get up, dust myself off and start my life anew with a different future. Maybe a different person. One who *is* ready for all the things I've been ready for for years now. And honestly, though you may think it is, I don't feel like that is asking for to much.

But maybe I am. I can't be sure. All I know is the boyfriend this morning said in jest that not only will he not see me until next Friday he won't hear from me. That wasn't my intention and I said that but then I felt frustrated and I said if he wanted it that way then so it shall be. He made a comment how we wouldn't, I wouldn't be able to do that and I said stubbornly that I would. Because I happen to be a women of my word. 

...Some word. He didn't call me when he went to work like he usually does. My heart was pounding in my chest from 2pm-3 wondering if he would call, checking my phone every couple of minutes but he didn't. And I stubbornly decided I wouldn't break so I didn't call or text him either. And now I feel such a larger emptiness. Because not hearing from him sucks. And thinking that he might not even text me to tell me he got home from work safe makes me paranoid and worried. 

This is the problem with us. Even when all I want to do is stick to my guns it makes me sick to my stomach and so very sad not hearing from him or being with him. I don't even know what to do anymore...

The clock is ticking...

It's exactly four days until my 29th birthday. Four days until it's one year until I'm 30. I had wanted to be more adamant about writing this. Had wanted to keep up with it. Be a blogger. Be involved in my thoughts in a process where I could put them into words and make them easier to process. As usual though it got away from me. I don't know what it is, a lack of time? Of desire? Lack of drive to complete things? Life has been busy but also not. When it's eventful it's all consuming and stressful in a good way; but it leads me to a crash. To a time when all I want to do is watch Hulu or Netflix. Alone. Preferably, though never usually, with some form of booze. Because that is the way I can shut it all off. Lock myself in a room, lose myself in the drink and the drama of someone else's life. Someone fictional, someone who has more of a possibility for things to come out their way. For them to come out on top. I honestly can't truly complain. I have a family that loves me, a boyfriend who is caring and attentive when he can be, my health, an income...so why is it all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out?

If I had to guess I would say, I'm not happy. Not truly. I love my life, love that I have an opportunity to live it, love my friends and my family...however there is this piece of me...that is just absent. Been missing for quite some time now. Maybe it's self love. Maybe it's self satisfaction. Or maybe it's just I'm not living the life I desire. Not the glitz and glam lifestyle where all you do is party and drink. Where your nights consist of dancing in clubs where you can't hear yourself think and the beat of your heart mirrors that of the music. Not the life where you fuck the night away with anyone that strikes your fancy. The opposite actually. The life where you work or stay at home. Where you keep a house and put meals on the table. Where all your moments involve the one you chose as your own and the ones you made together. Formed from love and desire and connection...or a drunken night or two. Those little ones who fill your heart with so much love you just want to burst. Who even when you're stressed and falling apart, even when you feel and look a mess you could never love any less then you do the heart that beats within your chest.

Maybe it's the fact that I have never felt or considered myself worthy. Of love, of being loved. All I have ever desired my entire life was to have one person who would pick me. Out of everything and everyone in this world. They would say this is the person I want beside me. This is who I want to have every future moment with, good and bad. I thought I had that once...maybe I did...but that passed with the wind. To young, to far, to much history. Now that is so far from over. Found another, made a life with them, life with two kids and the moments I can only dream of. After 25 everything changed. I yearn for kids. I hold a baby and my body screams at me. It says make this, create this love outside of yourself. Be a part of the future of this world, you can do better or at least you can do different. It can be argued that I have that now. The one who wants me and only me. Who's only future imaginable is one that I am a part of. It can be argued by everyone but myself. For all I can see is how the commitment has yet to be made. The true commitment. The binding one. The one that says to everyone this is the choice I have made. It is my own. It comes from my heart and I can no longer contain it there. This is my person. This is the one I choose. This is the one I love even when I don't want to. Even when its hard. This is the one I want as my partner, until I die.

I come from a family where I never in the entire span of my life ever saw my parents kiss or be anyway intimate towards one another. Perhaps that has put me at fault in life. Caused much of my problems. Having had parents who were done with one another, possibly, before I was even formed. Or maybe it's whats kept me strong in my relationships or at least kept me in the ring. Fighting for what I want, who I want. Honestly for me it's all about the action. I don't care about the ring and though I would love an extravagant and poignant proposal even that doesn't matter. I just want words. Words from the heart and a promise. With some small token whatever it may be. Just something to say this time it's real. This time it's serious. This time and always, I want you. I love you. Please be mine, forever, until the end of our lives.

Sadly I'm beginning to reside myself to a fate where the one I want this from never takes the leap. Never makes the promise and my heart breaks to such a point that I have to leave. Have to walk out. Because there will be no coming back from that final heart break. No return from the final piece of self slipping out of me. I will only be a shell. A shell filled with broken promises, empty words, untold truths, mistakes, and more self loathing then any one person could attempt to handle. A shell of who I once was and the future I used to want. A person who doesn't just think they aren't worthy of the thing the truly desire, a person who knows they aren't. Just a ball of hurt, disappointment and anger walking around with human legs. Pretending to be a person when the need arises and disappearing the moment you turn your head. Like a smile the only lasts long enough for you to look at it.