So it’s officially been a little over 2 months that we have
been engaged. I don’t know what I originally imagined it to be like. However I
can tell you for certain it fills you with so many different emotions. First
there is this insane sort of happiness. Like an eternal giddiness with life and
the fiancé. But then there is also this fear. It’s not quite deep rooted, just
sort of coating the surface at times. I’m left suddenly nervous and a tad
anxious. Can I actually do this? Will I be a good wife? What if I fail at it?
What if a suck at being a mother? What if I can’t hack it?
Those moments are scary and though I don’t often share them,
when I do, the fiancé always reassures me that we will succeed. That we will
make the best out of what life has given us and we will ride this wave
together. We have been through so much. And through it all, good and bad we
have stood together and overcome.
Then of course there is the slight stress of planning this
event with all that it entails. Who to invite, who you have to exclude, where
the money will come from, where you are to live. All these unknowns could drown
you if you allow them too. The fiancé tends to over stress it all. I try to
bring him back around to me. We are not the type of people who will plan
outside our means. Nor are we the type that care about every little minute
detail.
It has caused much discussion among friends, family and the
odd stranger. They don’t understand why we haven’t posted it all over social
media. (A personal decision for us) They don’t understand how we don’t have a
specific date chosen. Don’t understand how I’m not speaking about the upcoming
nuptials with every breath I take and shimmering eyes filled with all the
wonder I can imagine. I have even been told that what they were getting from me
was that I didn’t want a wedding at all because I didn’t care about what venue
or time of year the wedding occurred.
What they don’t seem to understand, what a lot of people
don’t seem to understand is my entire life I have had one serious goal. Judge
me however you will after my next comment, but all I’ve ever wanted in life was
to be a wife and a mother. I may have written about this before but I can’t
quite recall so maybe you can’t either. But I had always wanted to be married
with children by now. I had a close moment there in college with my first love
but it was a difficult and fairly toxic relationship that we could just never
make work. No matter how much we desired to make it so. So for me, after living
through all that. After meeting my fiancé, my best friend and partner, after fighting
tooth and nail for this relationship and growing besides this person that I
couldn’t even see myself living without, the wedding just doesn’t matter to me
as much as the marriage does. As much as the act of promising ourselves to one
another in front of all our friends and family.
If you are engaged, have been engaged or are on the path to
getting engaged I can tell you, at least from what I have encountered, everyone
wants to discuss and give you advice about the wedding. What you should or
shouldn’t do. How much you should actually spend, who to invite or not invite,
how to handle the actual day, or what the actual day should be like. Very few
and I mean a rare few will actually want or give you advice about the actual
MARRIAGE. Which boggles my mind. That is the most important part of the day. Or
at least it should be. It will be. For me.
Another difficult part of being engaged at the moment is
that though the fiancé and I have been together for 7 years (this past 30th
of august) he didn’t propose to me until now. This unfortunately for us comes a
few months after my cousin proposed to his fiancé. The mother of his two
children, who he has been with for 5 years now. Also having always wanted a
fall wedding we are stuck with the fact that my cousin and his fiancé have
already picked Autumn for their wedding. In 2016.
So now I am suck feeling quite at war with myself. I don’t
want either wedding to be less special or less important to either of us. I
don’t want to land a date before them and seem like I’m attempting to beat
them. I don’t want to pick a date directly after them and seem second fiddle.
Then you have two bridal showers, and to boot I’m one of her bridesmaids. So
that means I have to plan my own wedding while making myself present for her
and all the planning of her wedding. And I want to be included in her wedding
but that is now an added stress on my plate because it cuts into the cost of my
budget out of my own wedding. Then there is the fact that having been in a
relationship with my fiancé for as long as I have I have already imagined my
procession down the aisle. I have always imagined it including my two younger
cousins as my flower girls and my cousin and his fiancé’s sons as my ring
bearers. Exactly what she has also recently decided.
So honestly it does sometimes hurt my heart. Knowing that
they already have their life together and my fiancé and I haven’t even begun
ours and the possibility of having to push that life further behind to not step
on toes gets a bit overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point sometimes of making
me not even want to have a wedding. That coupled with the fiancés worries about
finances and knowing I don’t have as much to input into the wedding as he will…
well sometimes it seeps into me and makes my stomach turn.
I try to be positive. Because this is the Man I want to
spend my life with. And if there is something I have learned from this life it
is that I never get what I want. What I get is everything. It’s amazing and I
couldn’t be more grateful but it’s never what I planned or imagined. Maybe that
is a good thing…but sometimes it does seem as if things in life are against me.
I know here come little miss melodrama, who let her in? We don’t want what she
is selling.
I know.
Sometimes it just feels nice to let the bitter sink into
your tongue. Let it soak all of you and allow yourself to wallow in it. I’m not
doing that now though, or today. Also I’ve been determined to not do it at all
in general anymore.
However there are all those obstacles. Obstacles on top of
trying to figure out what to do living situation wise, as well as finding time
to actually do any planning. We’ve talked about some things. Chosen our colors
and such but nothing finite and most specifically nothing definite. No venue or
date. Haven’t even nailed down guest lists. I also want to do professional
photos. Have always wanted engagement photos to put on the save the dates and
such but that is a task as well. Finding the time and the money, let alone the
photographer. The fiancé is also not really the excited ‘let’s do it all type’.
I’m aware some of you don’t think that guy exists but I promise you he does.
I’ve seen him, heard about him and interacted with such a man. A man who has
ideas about his own wedding and wants to plan fun or crazy things, who is
excited about getting to take photos with the one he loves. Anyway that Man is
not the guy I am marrying so I guess getting super pumped to go forward with
planning the wedding is a bit difficult. Not that the fiancé isn’t happy or
excited to be engaged he is…though lately I think the stress has been eating at
him a tad because he’s been a bit curt. Never the less engagements can be
wonderful. Mine definitely has been, obstacles and all.
As dreary as this post seemed to get at the end there, I
really am beyond excited to be engaged to the love of my life. And we will - one
of these days - actually manage to plan some things out. I think we are just
going to let the venue we book dictate our wedding date. I think we shall just
pick from whatever days they have available and essentially just let the
universe decide. I mean we got engaged in outer space so who better then to
hand the reigns over to. Anyway I am off for the night, remember:
“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing to do. But to
hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s
true strength.” ~Anonymous
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