And now, today, being engaged as I am I still don't have that guy. My fiancé is great but he's the finance guru. He's the love of my life that wants to bend over backwards for me while not breaking the bank. He's the type of guy who, though he wants to get married, complains about every little detail. How many people we're inviting, how much it's all going to cost, how annoying it is and how it's so much like work, how we should just elope.
Now let me be real with you for a moment here, being engaged is tuff. There are the small disagreements turned arguments, the stress of feeling like you will never figure things out, worrying that what you want won't be what your fiancé wants, rethinking it all in your head and honestly considering saying screw it and not doing anything at all.
Now I'm not saying being engaged is not exciting. I do love it. I love having a fiancé and being away from him always sucks. However when we are together, quite frankly, there are more enjoyable things to do then stress about a wedding.
Which is probably why, three months in, and we haven't made any real decision beside colors. So what are you to do when it all feels like just a little too much?
The fiancé and I are going to-hopefully- go to the SNL exhibition on Friday and then we have made plans to really make some decisions on Sunday.
Thing is, I have been waiting my whole life for this. For the planning, for the wedding, mostly for everything that comes with it. Being a wife and living with my husband. But when you are finally in it sometimes things just don't equal up to what you imagined. Now it's a good thing because most of what you dreamed of was probably a tad unrealistic but it's also slightly earth shattering when you realize it. When you are face to face with your gift horse and you have no idea how to ride it.
I realize that I don't really know what I want. And the things I do want are pretty expensive and out of budget. Also seeing as my fiancé is very cost conscious I find myself wondering if I skipped it would I ever miss it?
But I know I would. That day doesn't mean to me what it means to a lot of other people. It's not about status or image. It's not about showing up anyone or living out some fantasy I've had since I was a kid. It's about being with the ones I love. It's about making a pact and promise to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with in front of all those close to us. It's about celebrating our love with all our friends and families and just having a great big party.
After 7 years, after all the ups and downs and twists and turns. After all the obstacles and issues we have overcome in choosing to love and be with one another. This is our moment. And I for one think we deserve it. No matter what we end up deciding, no matter how much the day ends up resembling or not resembling what I'd imagined, no matter how much it actually takes out of us. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the man I want to spend my life with. My partner, my best friend, my one and only. And in the end, even with all the stress of it all, I think it will be worth it. By leaps and bounds.
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