29 and Not Feeling Fine

So it has been officially five days since my birthday. It wasn't as horrible as I had been thinking it would be. All of my family came over, as they do every year, for a celebration of my grandmother's birthday which is the day before mine. The boyfriend did have to work but he got to spend three hours at the house with my family and I'm very greatful for that. Then I spent the remainder of the day running the grills because I like to, I'm good at it, and my cousin who usually does it wasn't able to come do to work. By the end of the day I was fully drained with a massive headache. The boyfriend picked me up after he got out of work at 11:30 pm and brought me back to his place so I could wake up next to him on my birthday. He had work, but nevertheless took me out to brunch anyway and the food was phenomenal. The gifts he got me were right up my alley and I loved them.

Yes that is a Marvel Stark Industries jacket. Yes I am super enthralled by it. I'm so happy he found it for me.

The rest of my actual birthday also went well. We bought three slices of Bein me Sabe cake from a Venezuelan Resturant and I made it into a little makeshift cake and it was delicious.

Please note the recycling use of my baby cousins birthday candle because we had nothing else. But all in all it was a really nice day. 

Cut to Tuesday night, the boyfriend and I went to go see Jurassic World and I loved every minute of it. If you haven't seen it go now. It was really amazing. Then we went back to his house and everything was good until it wasn't.  

Honestly I can't even remember what it was about, the argument or fight or whatever it was but it was full of lots of tears on my side and a ton of frustration on his. I decided that we should take a week or two off of seeing one another which of course he disagreed with. My thought process was that if he doesn't see me for a week it will give him the time to think things through and decided what he wants from me, for us, and for the future. 

It's been a lot like that lately. Arguing and discussing things I don't want to discuss anymore. Things that have been so over discussed it's getting ridiculous. Like this morning for instance. Last night we had a great night...well except for one hormonally emotional part where I cried my eyes out mostly because I felt fat and like a total failure when it comes to eating right and working out and reaching my goal of not looking like I do. But anyway this morning all was well and then I mentioned the week off break thing and then it wasn't. 

He still disagrees and voiced that but I still think it would be good for us. Firstly for the reasons stated above but also for me. To take a break for the heart ache. To take a break from thinking every moment that I'm not enough. That this isn't working. The clock as I wrote in my last post is ticking and I'm feeling it in my throat. And quite frankly it's suffocating. Which I know is ironic because I'm the one who set the date. I can easily change it. I can decide to be with him forever even though I will never get what I want out of it. Will never feel satisfied or accomplished or worth enough to be someone that anyone could love enough to want forever. I could decide to live every moment with the uncertainty of wether or not I'll wake up feeling happy or totally broken...but quite frankly I don't want to do that. 

I love him so much. He is my everything. But I can't allow myself to lose all of me in this relationship. I can't allow myself to agree to feeling empty, angry and hurt on a 24/7 basis. And honestly it's a good thing. It wouldn't just be unfair to me. It would be unfair to both of us.

I know that there are some of you sitting reading this like really girl? Shut the hell up already about it. Some who are sitting there thinking you would probably not want to marry me either because I'm so much to handle. And I understand that. I do. I know I'm a lot to handle. But I'm not asking him to marry me tomorrow just soon. Or if it's not something he's ready for within the year to cut me lose. So I can wallow and cry and eat crap and lick my wounds and then get up, dust myself off and start my life anew with a different future. Maybe a different person. One who *is* ready for all the things I've been ready for for years now. And honestly, though you may think it is, I don't feel like that is asking for to much.

But maybe I am. I can't be sure. All I know is the boyfriend this morning said in jest that not only will he not see me until next Friday he won't hear from me. That wasn't my intention and I said that but then I felt frustrated and I said if he wanted it that way then so it shall be. He made a comment how we wouldn't, I wouldn't be able to do that and I said stubbornly that I would. Because I happen to be a women of my word. 

...Some word. He didn't call me when he went to work like he usually does. My heart was pounding in my chest from 2pm-3 wondering if he would call, checking my phone every couple of minutes but he didn't. And I stubbornly decided I wouldn't break so I didn't call or text him either. And now I feel such a larger emptiness. Because not hearing from him sucks. And thinking that he might not even text me to tell me he got home from work safe makes me paranoid and worried. 

This is the problem with us. Even when all I want to do is stick to my guns it makes me sick to my stomach and so very sad not hearing from him or being with him. I don't even know what to do anymore...