Living with pulmonary embolism's, getting back to work, a big blowout,21 days and realizing my birthday's coming again

After a very annoying and complicated process, I finally got a doctor to go and see. Unfortunately for me I did not yet have health insurance so just seeing that Dr. cost me $430. We discussed what I would and wouldn't be able to do, if I could go back to work, and what might possibly have caused me to get my PE. 

Thankfully the doctor was really considerate about the fact that I didn't have health insurance. He prescribed me more Xarelto and also prescribed two tests for me to get to understand if genetics is a possible cause for my PE. He told me not to get my prescription filled or to take the test until my health insurance came in. He also wrote me a note to say that I could return to work, under the condition I listened to my body and didn't do anything too stressful. Thankfully he also said that I would be able to drink socially, eat what I wanted because there wasn't any things I really needed to avoid on Xarelto and was able to travel. 

Three weeks after figuring out I had PE and spending time in the hospital I was finally back to work. Unfortunately for me that brought a lot of back log of actual work but I was happy enough just to be making a paycheck again. 

The boyfriend and my friend got engaged to her long time boyfriend and decided they were moving to Nashville. It was nice to celebrate with them without having to be the only one drinking water.

Valentine's Day was when they actually had their party and luckily the boyfriend was able to celebrate with us. After that a bunch of us went out to White Castle which was doing a resturant type celebration with tablecloth and waitstaff. It was silly but actually really fun. 

We swapped presents. I got him The Teenage Mutant ninja turtles Art book and he got me, The Book of Life movie, the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and tickets to see Dropkick Murphys live. Which I'm actually really excited for.

On Valentine's Day my cousin also proposed to his girlfriend whom he has two kids with. In length they haven't been together as long as my boyfriend and I but I was happy and am excited for them. But with a proposal comes conversations about weddings and marriage and that's where the issues came.

This year I have honestly been contemplating whether or not to stay in my relationship. It's not a lack of love. I love him more then I could ever manage to explain or articulate on this blog. But we have been together for going on 7 years this August and I have been ready for marriage for almost 5 years of that. 

Being in the situation is hard. When you love someone so much and want to be with them and so you convince yourself to wait around for them. After 25 and countless proposals around you, you start to wonder. What is so wrong with me that we have been together this long and it still hasn't happened? You start to second guess yourself. You convince yourself it doesn't matter but it does.

It matters a lot. You have moments of depression and you feel unloved. You feel like maybe you will never be enough. Being a person who's entire life all I've wanted to do was be a wife and a mother I see that I've begun to put myself down. You tell yourself if it was meant to be, if you were a good girlfriend, a good person, it would have happened already.

You fall into a pit of despair and nothing and no one can truly get you out of there. Everyday is a waiting game. Everyday is the potential for a proposal which never comes. You have days, weeks, months where it doesn't even cross your mind. You are happy and living life is a distraction. However when the thought comes through its a pit in your chest and you steel yourself not to make a conversation or argument over it. 

Well all the talk about Weddings made it really hard to not think of the lack of my own. And the boyfriend would just talk non-stop about our engagement or wedding or children and it really hurt. But when I asked him quite a few times to not mention us in relation when talking about others he never remembered and would do it again. 

One morning we had a big argument when he drove me to work. My whole day was off but by the end of it I had put it mostly out of my mind. Deciding that I should talk to him before making any drastic moves. When he picked me up from work we were both strained. There was an elephant in the car and he was taking all the air and space and eventually it broke us down.

We got into such an argument that he said we were done and drove me to his house to pack up all my stuff. I was shocked, I was hurt, I was not leaving. We fought and fought and finally he said enough mean things that I stormed upstairs to pack. The entire time I wanted to kiss him and I couldn't help but think I'm losing my everything. Because yes I love him and want to be with him because of that but also he's the first one I want to share things with. A funny story, a bad day, a new joke. It sounds stupid because we weren't friends before we dated but I knew I'd lose my best friend. I also knew that if I walked out that door I was done. That was it. Never again. And I knew with every fiber of my being that he wouldn't be. That maybe not the next day or the following but sometime within the week he would be calling to apologize. To tell me he was wrong And that he was sorry. To tell me that he loved me and he wanted no one else. I also knew that if I walked out that door and he called me I wouldn't pick up. I wouldn't look back because we had already broken up once. Once was my limit. 

I started packing bags while we continued to fight and I cried and cried and then at one point it just snapped. He looked at me and apologized and said that it had all gotten out of hand, that he didn't know how it went this far. He was mad the entire day about our fight and had convinced himself that it would be better if we were apart. That I would be happier if we weren't together. But I wouldn't have and I clearly wasn't. So we decided that was it enough was enough. We couldn't be having these fights and that was it. We talked about what happened and how we felt and what we wanted out of the relationship. We kissed and he held me and then we made dinner together and went on with our night.

Cut to a week or so later. I was really happy because my 21 day fix came in the mail. Being in an office environment had gained me 10lbs and being on Xarelto twice a day for 21 days had gained me an additional 10lbs. So my friend who is a beach body coach told me about the 21 day fix. I thought this was exactly what I need. It's got an eating plan and a workout and it's supposed to help you lose at least 15lbs if you stick to everything and do it. Well my aunt asked me how old I was going to be this year and I realized I'm going to be 29...

This blog has been open for a year now. One entire year had gotten away from me that quickly. I felt like I was punched in the throat. I would be 29. Unmarried, without children, not living with my boyfriend or even engaged, no set career, no house, not even an apartment. I was blasted by the thought that 30 is now even closer. Right around the corner and I wasn't ready for it. I'm not ready for it.

A time bomb in my Chest

It began like any normal day, waking up to pain. Having plantar fasciitis I'm used to this sort of thing. However instead of my foot hurting it was my leg. The bakers cyst leg. I joked with the boyfriend that I had a blood clot. Okay so not so much a joke. Obviously that's not something to joke about so, let's just say I made an offhand comment. Anyway, I was also in the beginning of a cold so I popped an Aleve and followed it with a shot of DayQuil. I want to first side note this by saying that I DO NOT ADVISE anyone to copy that. It was horrible behavior and a really stupid idea. Off we went in the car, nice stop at Wawa for fattening and delicious breakfast items and coffee. 

Cut to the boyfriend's parent's house. He left with his Father to pick up the truck his dad had just purchased that needed to be towed. I stayed behind. Little did I know...

His younger sister was home as well and we proceeded to watch crappy movies and bad television while talking about nothing and everything. I went to the bathroom and on my way back to the living room which is past the kitchen I lost my breath. Sitting at the table with my head in my hands I felt as though I were having a panic attack. His sister thought it was that as well. However my panic attacks generally come with a sense of sadness or dread and I could feel no reason for this attack. 

His sister gave me apple sauce and a glass of cold water with a straw. She told me it's what her mom does for her when she has a panic attack and just to relax and breathe. She placed a wet hand towel on my neck and I started to feel better. Text from the boyfriend revealed that they were on their way home. He asked if we wanted to go for lunch and knowing that his sister wanted to I said sure.

Feeling up to it we put everything to the side and headed out the front door both convinced that the fresh air would do me good. My body felt like I had been drenched in icy hot though and I was worried that my stupidity of taking an Alieve and DayQuil was the culprit. 

Walking to the van from the front door, maybe 30 steps, wore me out. I semi collapsed into the passenger seat and told his sister I wasn't going to be able to make lunch. I felt dizzy, I felt light headed, but mostly I felt paroidnoid that I wouldn't ever catch a full breath again. I closed my eyes and dreamt for a moment. When I opened them I could feel tears in my eyes and his sister was telling me that everything was alright and to stay with her. That I was safe and she wouldn't allow anything to happen to me but that I couldn't fall asleep.

I felt tired, almost drunk with it. She was shaking, clearly scared. I pat her arm and told her everything would be alright but even doing so felt fuzzy. As though I were half asleep. I can't even say if my eyes were mostly open or mostly closed. The boyfriend came and told me he was taking me to the hospital. I had just got my barings and really didn't want to make the walk to his car. I honestly didn't think I would make it but I steeled myself and drunkenly walked out of the van and leaning on him for support made it to his car. He drove me to the hospital which I honestly don't recall much of at all. 

When we arrived, around 2pm, he sat me on a nice cold bench while he went to park the car not wanting me to have to walk back. When he returned I was sitting, breathing deeply to try and grab a full breath. He told me we had to walk to the door, maybe 20 or so steps. Looking toward it I knew I wouldn't make it and told him so. He convinced me it wasn't that far and we went walking. When we got in I semi collapsed again into a waiting area seat while he went to talk to the desk. Someone came over to me with a wheelchair. I can't remember if it was him or someone working for the hospital but that wheelchair was the best feeling. Not having to walk I was able to catch my breath and wits enough to come back to society and answer some questions.

They wheeled me around to a bed, an IV and a pretty paper thin gown to wear. The doctor spoke to me and then I was taken for a lung x-ray, leg sonogram, and a chest x-ray. When I got back after a while of waiting the doctor came to speak to us again. That was around 7pm.

He told us that there was a high probability of a blood clot in my lungs and that he wanted to admit me. Knowing I wasn't from New Jersey he said I could travel back to New York to go to a hospital there but that he honestly didn't think it was wise to travel.

I cried, mostly I think from shock, but I was admitted. I had to call my poor mother who was of course home in NY and doesn't drive. She began to worry the moment I told her. Sitting in my wheel chair with the best possible boyfriend sitting watch, I waited. They came by and took blood from my artery, one of the most painful shots I have ever had, to make sure I had enough oxygen in my blood. I asked if I could eat and they said they would supply me with something so the boyfriend went off for his own sustinence. They gave me a ham sandwich when all I really wanted was a banana but I ate half anyway. When he returned he had things for me to snack on as well as some stuff to entertain myself with. Though I didn't touch either. 

The tv in the waiting room blathered with reports of things in the News I rather have not listened to and he tried to take my mind of things by joking with me to pass the time.

We waited forever for a bed. They moved me back to the first bed I had been seen in originally so I could stretch out and they hooked me up with an IV drip and heart monitors. I had only had half of my sandwich but it came back up with a vengeance. The boyfriend went to get me something to puke in and all they gave him was this small kidney bowl. Then after filling said bowl I said I needed something more and he went to get that for me as well. He then stood there full kidney bowl in hand like the best trooper I could never imagine. 

They gave me something for the nausea in my IV and thankfully I didn't repeat the action all night. They moved me and my bed to a hallway with curtains for walls and many more beds. By the time I got a room it was 11pm. The amazing boyfriend he was, knowing he had work the following day, after having spent his one day off with me in a hospital practically all day, still waited until I fell asleep before sneaking out to go home. Even after I had told him to leave ealier knowing he wasn't going to get much sleep, the few hours he had between getting home and having to wake in the morning.

His mom brought my mom to the hospital the following day, my dad came to see how I was and my aunt and uncle showed up to see how I was doing as  well. By the end of night two I was still spending it in the hospital. 

Day three my nurse said she wanted me out of the bed and walking to the bathroom and sitting up in a chair. Which honestly, after so much bed rest was quite a relef. Then they brought me to my CAT scan around noon. At 3pm the pulmonlogoist came to tell my mom and I that I had multiple pulmonary embolisms. Basically more then one blood clot in not one, but both of my lungs. They had me on blood thinners in the hospital, lovenox,  but he said I would need to continue them outside the hospital as well but that I could go home. He said I would have to follow up with a pulmonlogoist or a hematologist in NY.

Apperently he wasn't the one who needed to clear me though so it wasn't until 9pm that I was officially discharged. 

Now however I am home, two weeks out of work and still waiting to get an appointment with a hematologist. I feel pretty good except I'm getting really tired of people asking me how I'm feeling and it is at times really kind of scary to think that had I not gone to the hospital I could have possibly had a much worse outcome. It is also scary to think that I have these tiny time bombs in my chest that I now have to worry about until I get cleared and told otherwise. 

The cause of them could be my birth control which I had been on for 10 years before obviously discontinuing use of recently. Or it could have been that the bakers cyst was misdiagnosed and I actually had a deep vein thrombosis. I won't know until the doctor sees me. 

For now though I just have to take it easy and not lift anything heavy or run or drink or do anything too strenuous. I'll be very relieved when I know what caused this and what I can do to get back to living my life fully. 

x

A Wedding, an Evening in the ER and an Awesome Friend.

My cousins wedding has officially come and gone. The day was hectic but beautiful. I felt like it rushed by but my cousin looked absolutely radiant in her wedding dress. We had so much fun and I can't say I managed not to cry, because I totally did, multiple times. I don't think I've ever seen her so incredibly happy and that made me happy.

Following that wonderful day I had a recurring pain in my calves. So bad actually that I didn't even want to stand. The wedding was on a Saturday. Sunday I spent mostly couch bound and Monday was mainly a bed lounging day. On Tuesday I went back to work and back to the squat challenge which I had situated in such a way as to give me a few days leeway to enjoy the wedding and get rest following it. The squats didn't really make my calves hurt worst though it didn't make them feel any better.  On the 19th I noticed that besides the prominent pain, my left leg was swollen. I went to an treat and release because I unfortunately don't have health insurance. $150 later I was told that I had strained my leg and to just rest it, ice it and take some Motrin or Advil. No tests were done. No blood was taken. Cut to yesterday the 24th with my leg still significantly swollen, but not hurting as much, I went back to the treat and release with a request for a follow up. The PA I saw showed concern and wanted me to get a sonogram on my leg. It being 5pm all the techs they had working were already sent home. Wanting very much for me to be seen that night for fear of a blood clot I was sent to a hospital near my house that apparently does well with payment plans. After getting turned round and lost in the hospital with my mom for a good half hour we finally found someone to point us in the right direction. We were sent to the ER entrance of the hospital and I was admitted. 6 or so hours, a nice amount of blood vials and a sonogram later my mom and I left the hospital at 1am.

Thankfully I was told I didn't have a blood clot, however it was discovered that I have a baker's cyst. A baker's cyst is a small accumulation of fluid from your knee joint that forms behind your knee and can cause pain and swelling. Unfortunately there isn't much to do for it. Its a wait and watching game to see if it goes away on its own. If it doesn't then they would have to aspirate it.

So to my dismay I had to bow out of the squat challenge that my beach body coach friend is hosting. I dont want to make it any worse but I am really disappointed that I cant finish alongside everyone else.

However to my surprise her Husband shows up on my doorstop with a gift for me from them and their family. A get well fruit basket.

Isn't it cute? It came with a note that said:

"Feel Better Soon!!! Hope this puts a smile on your face. Nothing like chocolate to make you feel better. Enjoy!
Till next challenge group!"

It was absolutely delicious and I was so happy to receive it and devour it. As was my family. I am frequently surprised by my friends and how sweet they are. It's really nice to have people who care about you enough to make you smile when you are feeling down. It is often hard to keep friends close but you must remember that every good relationship needs work and that life will make things hard but as long as you do your best to let your friends know that you care in the little ways they will stay your friends for many years. I sadly do not have many friends but the ones I do have I hold dear and do my darndest to try and keep in touch with. Till next time readers!

"Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life and said 'I'm here for you' and proved it. ~ Unknown

"There are some people in life that make you laugh a little louder, smile a little bit bigger and live just a little bit better." ~ Unknown

"Notice the people who are happy for your happiness, and sad for your sadness. They're the ones who deserve special places in your hearts." ~ Unknown

Squat challenge day 10 and a happily ever after

It is day 10 of the squat circuit challenge and so far so good. My friend who is a beach body coach started a group to help us all through it. It is always nice to have a group of like minded people going through the same challenges as you who you can talk to, lean on or just complain along side. My legs burn quite often but it is not as hard to complete as I may have feared it would be when I started. Here is too a full completion of 200 squats by dec 2...may my legs be in my favor.

In other news, this Saturday is my younger cousins wedding. It has been a long year of build up to this point. This is a cousin who is like my sister. She is only about two and a half years younger then me and basically has everything i've ever wanted at her age. She is a teacher, so career check, has a soon to be Husband as of saturday night and even has a condo they just purchased together. I'm jealous. I'll admit that much, and I did have a moment where I felt that it should be me rather then her getting married. Although in all honesty though I did shed tears for the life she's gaining that I wish had been my own I could not be happier that she is getting it. I love her so impossibly that I have also shed tears thinking about losing her. Not to say that she is moving away or that marriage will cause me to see her any less. I've simply cried because after Saturday, everything will be changed. It has been changing for some time now. We've grown and gotten lives of our own. Gone are the summers we used to spend together. Gone are the weekends spent just the four of us, her sister, my sister and the two of us, singing and dancing and just being lost in our own little world. But now, now she won't be just her, she'll be them. Her husband to be, who I have come to view as family, will finally be family. I don't have much issue with him or them getting wed. In fact I've been rooting for them for a while now. Being young and in love has not been an easy road for them and I will be so very happy to see them finally say I do, for life, in front of family and friends. But there is something, quite small but present, that sits in the background in a fetal position. It knows that change is coming and it cries for the past. It cries for four kids who acted out Thumbelina and the swan princess. A group of girls who wanted to merge their family names and all live in a mansion together with our husbands and children. Because with growing up comes heart ache and issues. Money and other peoples opinions on how you should be living your life cause fights you never even saw coming. The older you get the harder life becomes.

Don't get me wrong there are many joys in growing up but there are also many burdens to offset them. And that causes me to worry. Because she's the first from our group to take this leap, wise beyond her years, and I wish her all the happiness in the world and none of the hardships. Saturday evening I will gain another family member and I will say good bye to my cousin as I knew her. That is such a scary and sad concept. Although out of everyone I think she is the best equipped. I've seen her grow so much from that little girl who would cry every time she couldn't please everyone. If any one deserves happiness it's her. Her heart is so open and so warm. And her fiancé loves her so much. I'm excited for this weekend. For the step she will take towards her happily ever after, for the party, for the food. But mostly I'm just excited to see her look and him, and him look at her and watch the love collide as they mark their future into the sky. 

So I dropped the ball again...

I do this often. I get geared up to do something and keep up with it and months pass by with no updates. Sorry guys. So first I told you last time I scored a job, it is as an executive administrative assistant. Fancy wording but it basically just means people tell me what to do and I do it. Everything from filling cabinets, moving boxes, putting things together, rewording blurbs for the website or emails, making excel sheets, filling out information in medical programs and filing. There is an infinite amount of filing. It's a pretty nice place with good people and it pays well which is a very important part for me. 

Anyway the second thing I had said I would show you is pictures lots of pictures. So I deleted a lot of pics off my phone but here is what I still have from Mudderella: 

And Rugged Maniac: 

I also ended up doing a run in September called the Ridiculous Obstacle Challenge with most of my bocce group and some of their friends: 

That run consisted of a ton of obstacles made out of the same material as bouncy houses and it was so much fun. 

Now I also promised you cakes. So my two smash cakes: 

  

The christening cake: 

I made the sun flowers and cross as well as the cake. 

And last but not least my cousins baptism chocolates and cupcakes:

So quite a bit has been going on it my life. My younger cousin is getting married next Saturday and I am in the bridal party. Most of my free time has been involved in doing things for that. So there is my excuse for not keeping up with this although I'm not even sure that anyone reads it. But regardless, after the wedding I will have much more time to keep up. I'm going to try really hard to remember to write at least once a week.

In terms of the Bocce team, I'm still a part and it's really fun. We are on our third season and actually we've made it into the city championships so that's really awesome. 

And working out? Well I've been sorta slacking but I have started the 30 day squat challenge and plan on seeing it through. My friend who is a beach body coach is even running a group to help everyone complete it which is just what I need. Someone to hold me accountable. So if you would like to join in you will be two days behind us but here's the bracket: 

Well until next time I'll leave you with this: 

 

     

A Fit Life Light Burns Bright

I had a great Mud run and I managed to snag a job and I will tell you all about that in good time but right now I want to write about something really important to me.

I don't often think of myself as pretty. I think I've always had a pretty low level of self esteem and self worth. Actually I can honestly say that I know I always have. It's often hard for me to look at myself next to someone else and not make comparisons. I have an issue with my nose, the dark family granted dark circles around my eyes, my smile, my wish they were bigger itty bitty boobs, the thickness of my middle, the shape of my stomach, the broadness of my back, the girth of my arms and the cushion on my bottom. I used to be really heavy. And I also got made fun of a ton in school growing up. At my thinest I was 21, skateboarding and basically eating only one meal. Even then I wasn't happy with myself. I don't know if I ever will feel 100% about my image. I can't say that anything in my life will change me for the better mentally, but looking at candid pictures of myself from Rugged Manic it hit me.

I have a wide frame. Even if I lost all the weight in the world I don't know if that would go away, and even if it did I don't know that I'd be happy with it. I know I can't always be a clean eater, and the diet I was on basically went out the window when summer came in. I'll never be the one at the gym everyday and I don't know if I will ever get the hang of breathing when I work out.

However I know one thing, in my life currently, one of the greatest things is working out. When I'm at CKO and I can block all the other girls out around me, focus on my bag and commit to the workout it's one of the best feelings. Every time I haven't been in a while and I return I get this surge of emotion within me. Its part realization of how much I love working out with a bag and part regret for not going more often. And it has opened my eyes to the possibility of  being content with myself. I am 141 lbs and honestly I'm really kind of happy about that. The instructors are constantly evolving or changing and it keeps you on your toes. I also love the extra 30 min sessions Ben and Megan give. CKO gave me something to harness my emotions when I needed it most. I don't know if I could ever express quite what the meant for me. It gave me a way to survive when I felt I had none and it made me realize the potential I always had buried inside me. It also brought into my life people that I never before would have had the courage or desire to interact with.

Now I have this great group of people, Camp Core, who support me and believe in me.

When I first took a class with Vinny I was nervous. Here was this hunk of guy who I was going to work out in front of. Me, who doesn't even really like her boyfriend to see her during a work out. I was dismayed. I took the class and it was great but I was still nervous. Then one day I happened to be in front of CKO waiting for it to open and there he was again. The shine and fear was off, he was just a guy with a smile who struck a conversation with me. I found myself wanting to take his class. And when I showed he remembered my face and my name. He called me out in class and it drove me forward. I started to want to take his class. I looked forward to the three slap end of class bag tradition. Looked forward to his positive energy, his music, his jokes. I was no longer worried about working out in front of him. I realized he was this awesome spiritual person, who was also crazy talented, but he was just as invested in teaching the class as we were in taking it.

When I first took a class with Sasha I wasn't sure what to think. After being in a male dominated CKO instructor experience I was thrown by the way she ran her class. Her voice wasn't any softer, her energy wasn't any lower, her workouts weren't any less, in fact they were more. More concentrated, more intense in ways, more interesting. I think honestly I was on the fence about her as an instructor because she was a woman. Men tend to be more forgiving and I think I was mostly afraid of being judged. Here was this petite, well sculpted woman and here I was all pudge and gasps for breath. However instead of running off and hiding I stuck it out. I took more classes with her, although not as many as I wish I had. I learned some wonderful and interesting methods of working out. And I got to meet a wonderful person. She is intense but in a totally good way. And she pushes you forward without making you doubt your ability or yourself.

When I first took a class next to Dana I was intimidated. Here was this amazing looking girl working out next to me making me look ever the novice. She was thin and fit and never seemed to look bad even after an hour class of taking it to the bag with more power and energy then I could even muster. I wanted a body like hers and wondered if she had always been so perfect. As I took more classes beside her I found her energy a boost to my own and her drive helped me in class when I felt I had none left. Then I got to know her a bit more and got to see how great of a person she is. I realized that she loved fatty foods and had her own self image issues, even though I always think she looks pretty amazing. But genuinely I realized that she is a sweet person and honestly believes in you and that is such an amazing feeling. To know that someone, more then one someone has that belief. That you can be anything you set your mind to. In this day when most people are nothing but negative here are these three wonderful people trying to be every kind of positive.

I love that about Core. Even though I can't get to it as often as I like, it's refreshing to knowing that when I do go they will be there to greet me openly without judgement.

Even the people I take Core with, wether I have met them before or not, are cool people who are there for the same reason as I am. They strike up conversations easily and the general tone is laid back.

And if it wasn't for those three, even though I definitely could not keep up with them, I would have never had as amazing as a time as I had at Rugged Maniac. I felt like I was part of something, like I belong and it was really nice.

I may never be 100% happy with my image. I may never be as thin as I have always desired. I may always find a way to put myself down or find myself lacking but I know this: I have never been able to say that I was a person who loved working out...But all that has changed.


Your MIND may quote the negative
Your BODY may feel weak
But there is nothing as powerful as your SPIRIT
to help you to compete

The Way of the World

So tomorrow is the day. I'm participating in Rugged Maniac as part of Team Core. I couldn't be happier! We even have team tank tops for girls and sleeveless shirts for the guys. We are going to look impressive.

My mom decided she wanted to be a spectator so she is coming along. I have mixed feelings about it. First I'm happy and excited my mom wants to come see me accomplish this. It kind of makes me feel like a kid, wanting to show my mom what I can do, have her be proud of me. On the other hand I'm worried because that means she'll be alone majority of the day and I'll feel guilty. Then of course I'm worried how I may look to the team members bringing along my mom. Will they think less of me? Find me immature? But then, I love my mom, even if we have our issues I like sharing parts of my life and experiences with her. However I also don't want her to feel as though she's a third wheel...So yeah. Many mixed feelings on the subject.

I'm excited for the run but I'm also really nervous. I was nervous at Mudderella as well but at least with that I ended up starting by myself so I didn't really have to keep up with anyone. I worry that the group might be too big for me to click with anyone in particular but then I also worry I may not be quite as in shape as everyone else to truly live up to the challenge of being in the pack rather then behind it. Either way, I guess we shall see.

As excited as I am to be participating in this run I'm also rather bummed about it. Right this very second, as I type these words, my boyfriend and a large group of our friends are out on a weekend camping trip. A camping trip I would be at as well if it weren't for the $86 ticket I purchased and the absolutely no refund policy of Rugged Maniac. Originally the boyfriend and I were invited to the trip but he wasn't going to be able to get off of work so I decided not to go either. Sleeping alone, in a dark tent, in the forest with all the sounds of the night and all the creepy crawlies is not something I'm confident enough to do. However his work position and schedule changed recently and he was able to go. Sadly. Obviously. I was not. So now they are all out there, drinking, laughing and enjoying one another's company and I sit here in my room. Sad and alone. 

Although I'm very happy the boyfriend got to go, I miss him. I also miss the opportunity to spend time with him and our friends. Hopefully he will have an excellent time. He really and truly deserves it. On the bright side he's on vacation all next week and I already set my time aside to spend it with him. We are supposed to head up to his parents house in jersey and enjoy the sun and the sand. Beaches, booze and snuggles. What could be better?  

On Sunday I have a fun brunch planned with my best friend of 14+ years and a newer close friend who I have known for just as long. We went to elementary school together but lost touch for a while. Now we are closer then we have ever been. So the three of us are set to enjoy some eggs, some mimosas and some time reminiscing. I made the reservation and we are all set to meet at a place that (fingers crossed) still has an unlimited drink menu.

So hopefully I will be far to busy in the next two days to have any time to be disappointed about my inability to go camping. Even if that does mean I'm missing out on all the sangria and s'mores.